Since the day I touched down into SG

After several self-reflection over the day since I am back to Singapore....
There is these few changes in me that I am dare to admit & I have no idea why it only changed when I am back home.

I started to hate social media, guess it was because I wasn't able to use it for the past 20 over day in Brunei.
I have no idea why my self-confident level actually boosted so far way up in the sky now but when I go back to camp, it become the another way round.... (?)

I couldn't want to do anything except playing my game named SimCity, this game just appeared in my mind so I decided to search for the latest version. Then I manage to find it, but now this is the problem....
I get addicted, engross in playing this game. It is like a drug, I have no idea why but it really got me spending all day playing & figuring how to build, sustaining a city.
A game that is so real that could easily understand how government work in all cities, why they is a need for education, hospital, police station, fire station, casino. How much can expo or stadium contribute to the country revenue. Taxes for residents housing, commercial building, factory.
How you even raise your land value.

To people it might really seems to be like a ordinary game but to me, I learn something that can be bought over to our real world & that's value. Land have land value, we human being have our value too.
What value? That's the value of a person, everyone have different value. For land value,the following factors determine the land value;Accessibility to a school, a shopping mall, an bus Interchange or MRT station & understand why usually there is a park, swimming pool, gym or any other facility were build for, these some of the factors that could raise the land value as well.

Now for us human being, there are plenty of factors that could change your value in the street.
First ,we are divided into male & female.
Our value changes almost everyday & it raised automatically when someone appeared to affect your existing status.
Let's just go into r/s, your value actually raised when you communicate more to opposite sex of friends ,
then how much & how long you two have been communicated for. Once the opposite party show interest or express interest in you, (if you don't know) your value actually raise, it is like ....
Now in the street, there is one more person who want you to be their partner....
So if you repeatedly, then it will keep raising , & your demand is more in the society..
It is like a demand & supply, the supply is only one which is describe you so if were to use a mathematics way to describe the supply in this case is that , supply is a fixed variable , it cannot be changed because no one in this world is the same like you.  
Then followed by the demand which is a variable that is occasionally raising or lowing this is depends on the following;

1. How well are you connected to the social media
2. How many type of friends you are communicating ( The opposite sex gender)
3. Your actions towards others ( Concern..etc)
4. When the 3rd party complimented that girl/guy to you
5. When you know that there is someone or rather more than just one person is targeting him/her

As your value raised, your boyfriend/girlfriend feel in-secured...
And we human being are gifted with this "talented" mind that is only when you lost something or you are about to lose something, the value of the particular thing raised & as the value of it raised = demand raised.
Then we human being will do something to gain it back .....
I guess this is what the word ," take things for granted" come about in the dictionary.


- I read the journal you wrote for me
I am touched by the words & the things you do for me
My tears rolled down my cheeks once again
I wanted to say
Be yourself & nothing will go wrong

I could explain now why I am acting or maybe behaving more confident in front of you nowadays,
the reason is this.....
I am sick about me, myself being someone who always live without any confident at all in army life
Actually army life make me not able to be what I am originally was,
Someone who can joke around with anyone
Someone who enjoy making new friends 24/7
Someone who can even speak confident to another person

I didn't tell you this before, because I realize I have been telling you too much too much negative things about myself to you.....
(In this case, I am lowing my own value towards you)
It will be nice or good to hear when someone tell you his/her problems, but everything need to be balance
So if the problems overflow, it turn out to be another thing which is called irritating,annoying & a burden.
Maybe is really because of that, I became like this now
I am way more confident now because I am definitely thousands times more optimistic than before

Reasons..... of what you are now
I didn't blame anyone
What I could say is... You & I
We are the same
Why you got so into me now is because of the factor number 4 that is happening to you
( Because of the flower at your party )
This is a way of explanation I could thought of to explain that is,
This lead to a value raise in a person & our human mind is a "dick", it just function such a way that will then think natural that other people might wanted someone like that as well
So then you started to doubt yourself & you are afraid to lose this person which is me
So my solution to this is, don't get affected so much by the others because the fact is that we, both of our value is the same
But if you are acting accordingly to what your mind tell you is, then in this case you yourself will be lowering your own value & that's when the "dicky" mind which is duno why is just made such a way that
will transfer you to a place called - paranoid, self-demolish & it keep lowing your self-esteem then to a person that is pessimistic
(Basically a state whereby you are self-destructing yourself)
But don't worry I will be there for you :)

Actually...
This happened to me as well
It was those day before I went to Brunei
Those days when you keep baking cookies, cake, food for me
You know when I tell my friends, share with them
Everyone praises you, they even cracked a joke out of it by saying
Hey can you introduce your girl to me?
And this things kept going for like sometimes
There you go.....
I become the state you are in now.....
I start to think, appreciate even a lot a lot more of you
When people complimented you, cracking those joke which i can't treat it like a joke
Introduce you to them?
My mind is like, F*** You!
(Your value raised a lot a lot)
I told them a little stuff of you being so hardworking & how good you are to me
That's when I am scared to lose you anytime
(PART 1)
Then it followed by the guy that you know from the work place
The sentence you said," He look exactly like me "
It affected me a lot a lot a lot a lot
(PART 2)
At that moment I can't really do much & I never forget how you started to compare
Saying how sweet he is & etc....
I am worried
Because I prepared my gift for you since months ago before you mentioning the part of sending flower when he is not around or so.... to his girl
Worried that it is only when you said this then I do this or etc....
(Maybe in other word, COPY his method or what)
I just learnt that relationship really not a simple thing to handle in life, but I never give up
I believe that maybe is just being paranoid only so I started to force myself out of that "dick mind" HOLE that is build in such a way that it will react or think in a certain way which actually from a "NO" to a "YES" thingy after something happened
I know that trust wasn't a simple word for me, but I have to really learn to understand it
So I always told myself, TRUST yourself & TRUST your partner
The word TRUST.....
is a very powerful word that take really take long to understand...
I decided to work on it.....

Now I would say, I have pass this "module" already,
If I can do it, you can do it as well
So if you read this,
I would like to tell you this,
Don't worry I will be there for you :)
Girl - Jiayou :))

Last message before flight

Flight Number : MI8912
To Brunei on 7th March 2014

Changi Airport Terminal 2(Above Burger King)

Departure: 0300HRS
 

Flight Number : MI8911
Back Singapore on 30th March 2014

Changi Airport Terminal 2

Arrival: 0250HRS

All officer before they became an officers will have to go through these training...

Couldn't know what it is going to be during these days, 

What I know is that anythings can happen 

People used to say,

21 days is when a person can change & starts to get used to the new habit 

After JCC, 

A person might realize who they really are

Might changed to another person

To these, I hope I will came back with as positive feedback

Really hope I will learn new things & be better

I am now very look forward to all my training until my joint term to commissioning

To Lead..

Excel...

& Overcome....
We shall see the differences in me when I am back Singapore

Say No to fear

Say No to fear

& lastly say all you want to SUCCESS!

#BRAVO :)

To My Girl:
I always know that I am not able to do everything that perfect as what you expected

Sometimes I compare, I compare myself with other people
I realize how different was mine compared to them

I know where I stand

But I told myself these...
Doesn't matter hows other people reaction are compared to mine

Who I am is what I really are..

I know I couldn't give the best but I know at least I could contribute something

I do try & I really tried 

I wouldn't know whats the result after all but as I said ...
Like the very first time, I will do my best
My very best to be the best boyfriend that I could 

To give you all I could 

We might made some mistake 

Mistake as in our relationship progression?
Mistake as in our attitude towards one another?
Mistake as in our trust?
And it might be a lot more things that it couldn't be seen in our naked eyes...

But, as well as we know

And we know how to recover from it
Everything will be fine

I

Couldn't stop appreciating 

What are the things you did for me

What you planned for me when I booked out

What you surprised me with...

You know I just wanted to say these to you

I Love You~

(The words that couldn't be define with billion/zillion/trillion words/sentences/pages)

Really...
I Love You !

I no longer feel scared of losing you anymore because I am now confident in the trust we had for one another

=D

11+15 March 2014

This two days are so important to me ....
It was my 1st year anniversary with my girlfriend & her 21st B'day..

But I have an oversea training at Brunei from 6th March to 30th March...
Every time I think of it I feel very disappointed & sad for not being able to be present on either one of the day.
Even though I am sad but I wish there is still people who is around her who can celebrate her 21st B'day good & make her happy still.

I never forget what she wrote to me before I enlist into Ns..
She wrote to me telling me that in life, it has two wings....

left wring of disappointment ; right wing of happiness 

left wing of sadness; right wing of joy

If there isn't any balance of either side of the wing....
Then something must be in wrong....

I believe having all these hard time during my training, it will not only toughen me, it is toughening my relationship with my girlfriend & toughen her as well.
With a super ultimate optimistic mindset of mine now, I do not believe in failure.
I only believe in perseverance.
Being so negative for like months in OCS, i finally found out the reason why..
It was simple, it is just basically about your own performance in your daily life..
If you not able to do something well then of course you will become moody & when this accumulated for months....
There you will involved into a pessimistic person.
Always look back at the successful things you have done
Get back the feeling, have the feeling of being a winner & don't keep thinking about failure that make you a loser.
If they are things you can't do well, people around you will have one that is even lousier than you.
You will never be the last guy if you continue to work hard!
Work hard & smart!
Don't overly pampered yourself when you put do in some effort..
Put in 200% more effort then only you award yourself

Moment you lost your confident, don't stay in that zone anymore!
Do something!! Find a way out of that stupid circle & gain your confident back!
So....
If anyone who were like me once before~
Come on let's get back up & get things done!!
Continue to fight!
* FIGHTING!!

Never afraid of making mistake! 

=D

Weekend burned in Mandai Navigation

It was exercise seeker & hunter, it is to train us for Brunei Jungle Confident Course (JCC) navigation.
First day one instructor will be assigned to us to navigate to our 2 check point & 1 log point which will then give us the another two remaining check point. Total there is 5 check point plus one that is the final checkpoint.
Second day is when the instructor will leave us to navigate on our own ( So if you are lost in the mission & didn't manage to back track to your location on the map, most likely the team will be disband then to join other team for JCC )
We will be given pastor, compass, map.
It wasn't easy to track, plot your location on the map.
We lost our way in between those check point & will lost our location on the map & that's what we in army term would like to use when we lost our way during navigation, " HO LAN".
It is very scary to lost your way in the forest, imagine if it was Brunei which is 5D4N. We were only doing this for 2D1N in mandai forest which you can spot civilian in there jogging/cycling.
Can't wait to get out of the forest while we are navigating..
Luckily we were in a team of 7 people, imagine if I will be alone navigating..
I couldn't know what will it going to be...
if one day I am lost in a jungle ...
how would I find my way out..
survived in the forest.

Never forget that i dreamed that I was waking up in my room next day....
(Must be missing home very badly)
I got so worried if I booked out yesterday & were need to report the next morning.
I overslept & worry that I will be charge for AWOL( Absent without official leave ) which is a very big crime in army ...
Then my dream keep struck in the confusion these AWOL shit~ till I wake up & we were ready to move off to exercise hunter which we will navigate 8 hour to hit certain amount of checkpoint required on our very own without instructor following us.

This week was a weird schedule for us,
got nights out 3 hour for Friday...
Book out on Sunday 10pm
( Will be booking out on Monday morning if we didn't do well in our exercise )
Book in on Monday 9pm

Miss my civilian those days......
I remember those civilian life whereby
I do not need every time travel so far from home on Sunday to book in,
freedom I had before,
I have always told myself these 2 year will pass very fast,
It have already crossed 30% of the number of days to ORD...
I really hope to get back the freedom I had before plus I can gain something out from these 2 years in army.

Impact people's life

Service term had come to an end~
After a final 24km route march, we will be posted out to different vocations in our professional term(Pro-term)
We have different types of vocation in my batch, there are Logistic, Armor, Signal & lastly which is infantry which will always be available for every batch.
I chose Signal as my first choice & Armor as my second choice & last choice which is infantry.
I do no know if how true that Permanent Resident will confirm to be posted to infantry but I just know I was posted to infantry in Bravo wings.

There was this question asked by our instructor,
are you choosing other vocation is because you really wanted to go in that vocation?
OR
You are choosing other vocation because you wanted to get rid of infantry?
Many of the people do not like infantry because there is too much outfield & has more physical training than the other vocations that is available in my batch.
But think again, it is not that bad of what you think.
More swear in training is better than more blood in the war.
It is tough only during the cadets period, after commissioning it will be very different.
Being so confused in my common leadership term & service term due to the environment & being not motivated at all, I will not bring this attitude to my next stage in my Pro-term.

I have few things in my mind -
I MUST* have Self-confident after this 6 months
I MUST* be the one who stand out to lead
I MUST* be more focus in my training
I MUST* be super self-motivated
I MUST* be more independent
I MUST* be more hardworking
I MUST* excel in whatever task i am given to do
I MUST* make thing happen
I MUST* impact people's life


If you ever reach a stage whereby,
you questioning yourself, if what you are doing is right or wrong
That you are doing things in doubt
It show that something must be not correct
So make sure you do what is right & not choose the easiest way out
Always remember to complete what are the things you planned to do
Never do things incomplete & just leave it undone
This will lead you into a bad habit & you will always do things "HALF-FUCKED"

A lot of things happen in my relationship as well
I only know that my partner have a hard time with me but she is still doing her best working very hard in our relationship while I who is easily tired, because of tired & always use the word "TIRED" covering up all the excused I can so as not to get things done.
I should stop doing & acting what it is now
If I am tired, I am not supposed to show
I always know that my girl wanted to go out so badly when she have time for me
Always planned so many activity for me

I always know that but I never really show her that I know
It does not mean that people who do not say
People who are very quiet means that they don't know any things
There is a lot of feelings & thought inside that it couldn't know how to be express

Regardless of whatever shit there is going to happen
I won't give up on you my girl!
I Love You <3

Is that true?

No one like this
No one want to be this
The moment when you got so tired
Someone who get tired so easily
Feel so weak that a girl body are so much stronger than guy
Feel so useless when someone say that the amount of sleep they had is lesser than you yet still so energetic compared to you

Moment your expression changed
Moment I feel that why must you treat me this way
Moment I recall back my feeling & thought when you were in this state
I feel sad, disappointment, feel like just ignore you but I keep told myself not to let this few mins of stubborn thought ruin the future of us, it can be overcome, there is definitely other ways I can do to change this....
So it happen to me now & I worried
I feel sad, I feel like you were to ignore me the next moment
You never try, you just don't talk to me at that point of time
Inside my heart, the feeling of tiredness & sadness ......
I forced myself not to look so shag, so tired as I know how it feel like accompany someone like that for the rest of the day

Glad that at that moment you proved me wrong, you did tried to show concern
You talk to me although it was that little
I felt that I was all wrong again.....
I apologize for being such a spoiler of the day
I appreciate.. I really do appreciate..... realized I have been using this word "appreciate" very often
Because I really do appreciate a lot
Forgive me for the lack of vocabulary
Caused it to be like an ordinary word now

Lastly, you lost patience to me easily nowadays I couldn't know why
Probably I am really deaf, I am really sorry for that
To make you repeat
To make you explain
To make you look like you date with a country bumpkin

Most likely, I myself found that I have many, many, many , many bad points in me...
Found myself far, far ,far ,far away from what I myself expect it to be
Lots & lots of things need to be change...
As I move on it just accumulate more & more & I will never find any goods in me sooner or later due to the amount of bad points that had out numbered the good one in me

(One of my friend in camp share with me this & I find it is so true)
Have you ever come across this ~
You asked a question, someone answer you Yes or No but you were still in doubt?
You stick to what you think is true after all the answer that they gave due to the history of him/her?
You made the conclusion of your own without giving the person another chance to change?


End ~

I love you for what you did...
We face each other more after we got together...
Regardless of how tired we are
The expression of us when we really are
Is either we will see it now or in future
Believe both of us doesn't really know what to do when that happen
It doesn't matter
We slowly learn to react
We have time, we give one another chances, we grow from it
We accept the goods & bad of one another

Things that I can do I tried
Things that you do I felt it
Nobody is perfect yeah?
:)

Bought a new computer after Exercise Centipede

Finally I manage to get my customize computer after so long~
Spent around $1.4k including a 23 inch monitor :)
(Glad that I am able to claim $820 from my Dad company, benefit for the employee to purchase any electronics items each year)

It had also been a long time which I really got the time to update my blog.
Exercise Centipede was a 10D9N in tekong which we were stay at this area called stagmont camp which is the very old type of bunk & we will sleep on the safari bed with air pillow.
During these 10 days, we were learning to do fire tactical movement in section level, basically close combat fire fighting fundamental in section level.
I find it so interesting at first, I got so excited to lead, I love it a lot a lot,at the moment i was imagining if one day really there is a war I will want to lead my man to fight & ensure that they will all be back safety. I felt so confident to lead at the start & I actually volunteer to lead all my section mate for a fire movement drill.
One drill will roughly take up approximately 20 mins. There i go, being a section commander, I was being praise by the commander that our section movement is better now , section is advancing at a good pace, maintaining a good momentum. This lead me having even more confident to lead. After the drill, we were assigned to do 6 mission using all the things that we were taught, I was chosen as one of the section commander, felt so happy that I was given an opportunity again.
This time round, the terrain wasn't that good compare to our training area & my helmet was a burden to me that got me so uncomfortable, keep covering my eye while i run that lead me not able to see enemy, in fact anything that is in front of me & I was shot down by the enemy caused me to failed as an section IC in the station & the section pass.
Moody, disappointment, sadness, got very emotional. No one in the camp actually i am really open up to, I don't feel comfortable to talk to anyone in there.
Lots of careless mistake were made during the exercise, at first I was substitution for my section commander because she was Attend C till day 2 in tekong so I didn't bring along the money that I have collected from my section mate for the last day of Recreation & Relax (R&R) pizza that is $330 for 11 person.
secondly, didn't take good care of my SAW weapon & leave it unattended while I am refilling my canteen & water bag. The person did told me that he shift my weapon because it is blocking him to refill water from the Jerry can, but I have to admit is my own fault that I am not able to muti-task. I did reply him alright but in the end i forgotten.
Thirdly, I leave my Map unattended ( It is important because if you fight a war & the map will usually have some indication of your movement, so if enemy got that in hand, they can roughly know our direction plans & will counter attack it easily)
Next, I leave my assault bag unattended ( Was being blame at first because someone took it, never take good care of it & it had my number on it during declaration while everyone have unpacked, packed & leave the training shed)
Lastly, I took care of one of my section mate Map & I anyhow placed it at someone else assault bag Caused the Platoon IC to worry, because it was me that our Platoon commander instructor got really angry & warned him, giving him one last chance.
Then never forget that I wore the wrong side of my boots. thinking back of all these things that i made, it might feel really bad at that moment but after awhile I felt that all these memory really very memorable for me & is really funny that I didn't realize I wore my boots wrong side after 2 hours later. Hahaha

I learnt something in the exercise that is if you ever met a situation you hesitate & think that if you were suppose to do it or not, you are in doubt.Then make sure you really think wisely of the action you made cause when you are in doubt means something is not right.

I also feel that my English was really a burden now, if I am to carry on to be what I am. It is not going to change, I will never change. I need to do something about it, I am an officer & if I speak like a fool with so many grammar mistake, limited vocabulary it don't reflect well on me to commander my man next time.
I always have difficulties to present what I need to say to all the people in my wing line.