My undefined moment

It was after field camp, I realise that I have been in denial mode ever since I became commander. I was so motivated so interested to lead my own platoon.
I realise my excuses getting more and more, then it accumulate into some lazy mindset I have.

As a commanders, my laziness made me have this mindset
As a PC, I do not need to always appear in front of my platoon.
Less engagement will somehow make the recruits to respect me more and think that I am busy.
I do things behind their back, feel uncomfortable doing certain things yet I still want to do.
I was rushing for things at the last minute because I think that it is too easy to handle
I came up with my own "lazy" style and wanted to influence people with my lazy style
I do shortcut more than anyone else
I feel uncomfortable to participate in the activity because I am not putting in effort and afraid to let recruits see
I try to avoid and always into a stage whereby I daydream doing nothing
I can't handle stress
I always work overtime
I always start my day without any plans
I keep finding excuses and keep whining for the past few months
I came up own bullshit because of laziness
I always have temporary motivation
I can talk better now, more confident to talk now
I am in doubt of my own ability
I am basically dreaming and MAN-MODE-ING for the entire army life after BMT
I am forgetful and compliance
I became someone who can only talk and no longer confident in doing things now
I no longer cares about my health anymore
I don't find the necessary of getting my IPPT GOLD anymore
I realise I got no pride in anything
I only feel that I am lucky to have what I have now
I felt I wasn't who I am
Huge mess in my mind that could not be cleared up and compose properly
Fail to plan ahead,

After-all I am emotion and I got easily affected

I always tell people what I don't use to do
I realise words are million times easier to say now compare to doing it on your own
I find that I am able to identify my cons but I couldn't change it
I am in my comfort zone till the stage that I no longer is thinking
I wasn't using my brain for the past few years

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Self-destruction reflection