Monday, December 15, 2014

My undefined moment

It was after field camp, I realise that I have been in denial mode ever since I became commander. I was so motivated so interested to lead my own platoon.
I realise my excuses getting more and more, then it accumulate into some lazy mindset I have.

As a commanders, my laziness made me have this mindset
As a PC, I do not need to always appear in front of my platoon.
Less engagement will somehow make the recruits to respect me more and think that I am busy.
I do things behind their back, feel uncomfortable doing certain things yet I still want to do.
I was rushing for things at the last minute because I think that it is too easy to handle
I came up with my own "lazy" style and wanted to influence people with my lazy style
I do shortcut more than anyone else
I feel uncomfortable to participate in the activity because I am not putting in effort and afraid to let recruits see
I try to avoid and always into a stage whereby I daydream doing nothing
I can't handle stress
I always work overtime
I always start my day without any plans
I keep finding excuses and keep whining for the past few months
I came up own bullshit because of laziness
I always have temporary motivation
I can talk better now, more confident to talk now
I am in doubt of my own ability
I am basically dreaming and MAN-MODE-ING for the entire army life after BMT
I am forgetful and compliance
I became someone who can only talk and no longer confident in doing things now
I no longer cares about my health anymore
I don't find the necessary of getting my IPPT GOLD anymore
I realise I got no pride in anything
I only feel that I am lucky to have what I have now
I felt I wasn't who I am
Huge mess in my mind that could not be cleared up and compose properly
Fail to plan ahead,

After-all I am emotion and I got easily affected

I always tell people what I don't use to do
I realise words are million times easier to say now compare to doing it on your own
I find that I am able to identify my cons but I couldn't change it
I am in my comfort zone till the stage that I no longer is thinking
I wasn't using my brain for the past few years

Self-destruction reflection

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Young memory by my Dad

It was 10 years back when I was still in Primary school
When everything look so beautiful to me when I am Young

Every time when my siblings and I have school holidays, my parents will arrange our holidays by either going back to my Mum's hometown or my Dad's hometown to visit all the relatives that are still staying there. I never forget those wonderful moments whereby we do not need to worry about anything but to keep playing for the whole day :D

Moments where all our cousins are young as well, they take care of us and give us the best regardless of toys, games or food. Wake up in the morning and drive us for breakfast, bought us everywhere around the place to let us try the best food in their town.

When I am young, my family and I stayed in Malaysia except my Dad who is working in Singapore trying his best to give us whatever things he can get in Singapore. He worked in Singapore that is twice the amount in Malaysia and because of him , my family was the most wealthy family among all my Mum's Siblings. Everyone around us envy our life and wanted our life. We own a private Terrance house in Gemas, my mum drove a car and my mum share her wealth among her siblings by giving her siblings children things like clothes, games, food. She enjoyed staying with her siblings and she is always very generous to them. My Dad will always travel once a week or once every 2 weeks to visit us.We live a simple life.
When we want to visit our Dad's hometown, he will take train back and drove us all the way to Ipoh which is about 6 hours ride.

Now the car is stolen and the house is stolen, we live in Singapore. I did regret when I first step into Singapore for holidays then ended up staying in Singapore permanently. But now I felt that I am the lucky one who can stay in Singapore to have the best education system, enter into army, be am officer, enter Uni after serving army. I think if I am in Malaysia, until now I believe I will not be able to experience such a wonderful experience in my life ever.
Most important part here is that every time when we go back to Ipoh which is my Dad's hometown, he will always require to work and are not able to come along with us. Then he will always send us to Golden Mile where we took the bus to Ipoh, he will look at us boarding the bus, he will stay after we boarded the bus , wait for us to settle down then walk around the bus trying to look for us outside the bus, knock on the window, smile to us, wave to us till the stage whereby the bus leave the place, then he leave the place. After that, I will be crying because I don't bare to leave him and my Mum will always prepared the tissue paper and console me.

Today while I was sending my girlfriend off to Malaysia with her friend for a short gateaway trip.
After her friend and her boarded the bus, I turned and was about to leave the place and this memorable memory flash pass my mind and I feel like doing the same thing as what my Dad treat me in the past to my girl.
After today, I realise the sentence " Lead by Example", do affect people around you, it does impact a person and it is important. And I am proud to have my Dad to create this experience to me and allow me to pass it down to my loves one.

To Lead To Excel To Overcome - OCS

How many times do I really apply this in my life?

Friday, October 31, 2014

Down time / Recovered time

At point of time, have you ever felt that you are tired?
All the time?
No mater how long you rest, you sleep?
Have you ever wonder why?

From what we know and what we used to think is that resting more will be the best remedy for it,
do you agree?

You are not wrong but it is just one method that we used to know.

Well, let's reflect back of what you have been doing for so far, do you think that you are currently happy with your life now?
Are you enjoying your daily routine now or are you straggling in your daily life now?

What is time?
What is work?
What is rest?

Every single second of contribution that formed time, combine them all together with work and rest you will get working hours and resting hours.
How well are you with your time management?

Are you able to work within your working hour or you always work more than your working hour and eat into your rest time?
Think back of what you do for your rest time? What have you been doing? Are you really resting or you are just wasting your time doing nothing?
NOW think back of your working time, are you really doing your work?

This is all the question you should be asking yourself.
Our mind like to mess our things together, our time make us feel that we are confused.
You know what are the causes of all these?


You have mess up your time in your brain and you will always feel you are confuse with what you are doing,
That is where you feel that you are straggling with your life, you feel stress of you life

It was a public holiday, I feel that my brain my mind is sick, I feel tired of what I am doing now.
I went to library and decided to read a book and I found out that maybe is stress that made me always feel tired, I read a bit and start reflecting about my life now.
I was doubting that I might have a depression now, I felt that maybe I can't cope with what I have now,  I am stressed about my life now.
When I went back to camp I keep asking myself, "Am I really stressed out by what I am doing now, what I have now?"
I ask myself until friday morning when I woke up, I think back and I got an answer!
I AM NOT! IT is my timing that get me all so mess up, all so chaotic inside my brain ! Things in my mind are not composed properly! I told myself I AM NOT HAVING ANY DEPRESSION AT ALL!

Yesterday night I set a goal for me to achieve, that is to wake up in the morning and run.
I was back at 0100Hrs in the midnight and I set my alarm clock at 0530Hrs, I feel that I have been procrastinating for months. I have concluded that I AM! I DID become lazy now.

I have forgotten how I do things now compared to my past. I have become someone who is so good in my planning that I forget how to execute it. Like the NIKE Slogan, "JUST DO IT".
I did wake up but it was not what I planned 0530Hrs but at 0700Hrs.

Then I went to have my run after that.
As I was running I realise my body wasn't that strong anymore, I always thought that I could still run at the timing that I used to have which is 10mins to 10.30mins for 2.4km but it was all wrong. My performance proved me wrong,badly. I ran 12.13mins instead.
Then this is where I got enlighten which I can't think of why does it linked.

I realise that I wasn't stress, my excuses have been too much for the past few months. I always planned too far that I forget to do because all the time in my brain, there are numbers keep generating inside about my future and it keep on calculating, planning the future day by day.
In the other words, people used to say "don't stay in your past and get over it".
For me, my mind stay in the future and have already forgotten about my present now.
For that you become a very realistic person that result you becoming a very pessimistic person,

What I currently is doing now, is about strengthening the mind.
So what I suggest to people who are like me is.
Since it is so worst now that our brain stay in the future, we have to pull it back.
Plan step and execute step by step.
Example instead of planning for everyday waking up at 0530Hrs, you should just plan waking up tomorrow at 0530Hrs only first.
Wake up already then carry to do what you wanted to do.

When you found yourself in the wrong path, never hesitate to correct yourself by walking through whatever obstacle that can lead you back to the correct path.
When we walk we don't usually walked in the pavement, we step into grass to our destination.
If there is a way, just cross it and reach your destination. U-turning back is taking too much of your time and time is precious.



Monday, October 27, 2014

New interest new mind

Woke up again with a new things running in my brain
Curious in finding how much does it take to buy a new HDB flat.
As all the curiosity happen to run pass my mind, the only thing that can provide me all the answer is INTERNET, so I went do research about it.

This is what I managed to find,
4 Room HDB flat approximately $450k in future
Down Payment of approximately $85k is required
Monthly installment of $800~ $1k within 20~35 years

Then, it slowly diverted me to personal loan, education loan, car loan, renovation loan & etc.
I manage to know more & curious about how to be a successful engineer...

Everyday worried and complaint about my life ....
Guess is time to do something about it

I always plan, never execute because I became lazy always come up with new excuses.
I planned too much and I forget how to execute anymore because doing things no longer within what I am doing now. I am more of a person who just need to use mouth and get things done now.
I forget how to hands on anymore, I am only able plan better and even better.
There is a lot of changes to be done and I just realise I am not coping well now and there is a need to do something about it.

From now on, no complain allowed
Other than tolerating all kind of nonsense
Knowing too many things created problems, therefore it is best to know lesser sometimes.

It is my life and I have allowing it to change me instead of claiming back of what I want to do in my life.
"It" refer to the people around me, the environment , the "SYSTEM" that had created in the country.
How far can you see?

It is amazing if you start to aim it now.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Time is about learning

It have been long time that I never really sat down & reflect about myself.
Reflection doesn't really need to be after some incident or something happen in your life, it all about being able to know who you are in the past & what you are now currently.

This morning when I woke up, laying down the bed. I started to reflect about my action and performance for this past 2 months and I realise something.

I guess I am tired of what I am doing now, after being a trainer now. I focus too much on the others and I forgotten about myself, I became more lazy to do my own training, I became more procrastinating on whatever things I planned to carry out. I find out I have been keep changing a lot for my days in army. Something won't change is my courage, I can be confident now but I feel scared at times at anything that I do. I am someone who easily get affected by the people around me. Someone who can't stand firm, someone who always feel that he can't do well in anything that he does but he know what to do. I guess I have been locking myself up in my comfort zone for too long.
Person who have been relying too much on the people around him. Someone who always feel tired but I search from the website and it said that people who are happy in their life will never feel tired. I am in doubt of whether I am living a life that I enjoy now or I am still adapting to it. I personally feel there is too much changes in me, my adaptation changes, my life changes, I feel happy yet unhappy. I always ask for time and I believe time will show, time will tell me the answer but I guess I am wrong. Time will tell you the answer when you know what you want. I know there is definitely more to tell and is all about mood and the mood come from the amount of rest I can get.

Tired is my weakness and I believe it became my excuses too, I shall take action from now on.
The first step I am going to do is I will fixed my time to sleep from 11pm-6am.
This will be my goal for everyday.

Reflection is the power to perform.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Never use busy as an excuses for everything

A friend of mine told me this,
You can busy achieving your dream, but you cannot busy & you forget whats your dream.

We human have the ability to adapt that causes us to change our passion towards the things that we do. But never forget what you wanted before.

It is October now, 8 more months I will be ORD.
Days in army wasn't as bad as I think because it really give us time to relax inside camp.
Can't imagine what I really want after ORD, can't wait for ORD yet can't decide what to do after ORD. 

I realise more things that I do now equivalent more chances of making myself feel embarrass in front of the people. 

After all, it is just English that is enough to ruin my future of any single things that I do.
I am lost...
I need more rest..

Friday, August 29, 2014

Back home in the morning

This feeling is strange,I have never know why is that happening.
It was on the way back home around 9 am plus in the morning & I thought I could be able to have breakfast with my dad because usually that's what I really do.
Reached home, opened my house door.I feel so happy back home again & I walked towards my dad room, open the door with a smiley face planning to ask him to have breakfast, but he was not inside.So I went to open my sisters room and hope they are inside, unfortunately nobody was in the room either.I felt disappointed so in the end I went downstairs alone, packed my food & consume at home.
But of course I never blame them, because my dad are taking up two jobs & he is always fighting her life for us ever since me & my siblings was born. My sisters were finally able to relax themselves after 5 working days during the week days, able to meet up with their boyfriend & go dating.

While I was on the way home, suddenly I recalled a tweet by someone, it was a picture of a huge & beautiful bungalow without people at all but just the house living room with a caption of "You cannot buy happiness".
Tears flowing down, and so I recalled...
Reflect..... why?

Reasons that I concluded,
Maybe my mum was not home because usually she will be at home & we talk a lot.She always have unlimited things to tell me, I always will try my best to listen. I felt sad every time when she got so much things to tell me but I have to leave my house due outside activity & left her alone in the house again & again. I am glad there are two dogs whose belong to my younger sister are there to accompany her.

This is the first time, I couldn't really understand why my eyes became so watery & tears flow down my cheek. Usually, I am alone in the house & I am always fine with it. It is only this day that I happened to react this way.

Lesson learnt:
I couldn't able to accept it if one day I done something wrong, my wife & children were to leave me.
I couldn't able to accept it anymore if I am alone again like in the past, single's life
If I am wealthy enough, I really want my family to be as big as possible but my house as small as possible that is enough to sustain that amount of families members in the house so that my house will always very happening & bring joys in the house. Everyone will be more bonded.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Uncleared moment of confusion

This post is about an blur vision in my mind that lead to an uncleared solution that till now it is classified as "X".

I got a friend who is a Man who got $500/month can save $200/month
& me as an officer got $830/month & save $0/month...

What if I am not an officer now?
Getting $500/month?
Will I still able to sustain my relationship with my girlfriend?
Can I still able give her what she want?
What she deserve?

Time = $
$ = Time
Army = No time = NT
Officer = NT + $
Man = NT + (-$)
(Note that it is a negative showing lesser allowance)
If I decided to sign on:
Officer = NT + (2 x $)

No worries at all
Lump sum of $20,000 that could plan for marriage
Stable income for the future living
High monthly income that could have more
CPF saving + more $ able to save
In addition, your salary increase every year.
Down payment for housing is settled.
Overall, a lot of the time is given out.
If I decided not to sign on:
Civilian = (2 x T) + ($)
(Got $ but need longer time)
Why ?
You & your girlfriend definitely need entertainment, enjoying together
While having that frequently at the moment,
You also need to save $
For marriage & house.
Have you consider about giving monthly allowances for your MUM, your DAD?
So now ...
How long you need?
5yrs? 7yrs? 10yrs? 13yrs? 15yrs?
Wife how old already?

Ways to change :

                            BE YOUR OWN BOSS

Earn more $
Possibility to break poverty cycle

Business sustainable & earn profit, live a better life
Business failed result in Bankrupt 



Fastest way to earn $
Easiest way to earn $
Possibility to break poverty cycle


                  BANKRUPT + OWN A HUGE DEBT
                 + TIME REPAYING DEBT

Now the question is

                                                        Will I Going to MAKE IT?

Please be reminded to read the title again

Mental Crisis

This post is written at the most tired most bad most negative
Worst negative I am going to say to make me feel better.

Have you ever wonder why does a person who can be so good in everything, yet they committed suicide?
Those students who get so many A's in their final year exam in the end they went suicide?
People who suicide because they couldn't get the courses that they want?

Let me tell you why
It is because the brain couldn't take the stress that they put in themselves anymore
It is because that's the only failure that their mental have faced before
It is because they couldn't accept what they are NOW

There are few type of person :
1- People who are super motivate to do whatever things that they are given to do, the "fire" in them are ultimately strong & sensitive (easily activated)
2- People who only have that "fire" in them only at the critical moment. Example someone who have a family members to rely on, know that he must get this things done by the deadline or he get fired on that day.
3- People who literally have no "fire", they don't really care what's going on around them. One's who don't even motivated or inspired at ALL.

Then now you imagine you are the first type of person who have that ultimately strong "fire" who fully committed to your study, you worked really really very hard & always get what you wanted.
After so much hard work, when you reach the very final exam which will determine if you could get that course or school that you have all along worked so hard for. Your mental success have built up to be so strong, so confident.
The very desperate school or courses that you wanted to get, in the end....
Because of that 1 point

In the end... They chose to commit suicide.

Ways to vent that mental stressed out :
1- SEX
2- EAT
3- Exercising
4- Write it out
5- Give up & don't care of that particular things anymore
6- Suicide

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END TOPIC~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Words can hide, feeling can't ~

It have been a long time that I could seat down, taking a break & relax my mind,
The precious moment that could keep you go even further in future.
What's important in your life?
How well can you manage it?
How well can you balanced it?

I got some reflection & I felt that it is important to share:

1. Being a tanker
We all like to help people, we always think certain small little things are easier if you were just do it yourself without troubling someone

In long term, because of that you are going to make yourself tired
Please remember that you are not a robot
Share your load, help one another even small little things
Not only things can be done few times faster, it will also build a stronger relationship among your colleague

After some times, I realize that we can have different friends
But it is best to treat everyone differently
Draw different type of "standard" between different person
People got two stages,
One is before knowing you,
Second one is after you became friend
Third stage is when you guys get closer
Everyone will be nice at the first stage & second stage
But after you came to the third stage, things get complicated that you wouldn't figure out why,
Who they really are, what they really want

So I have come to a conclusion 
If that particular person manage to enter to stage 3 of your friendship & you found that they are bothering you, affect whatever you do & create unhappiness in your life
Please remember ....
Send them to stage 4

A stage whereby you need to juggler around different stages at different time
That is why the most complicated things on Earth to handle is relationships between one another
And never let these type of people know too much of your things

This word it might be easier to spell it out with just five letter
But this word "trust" is a problems among the people
It was an incident in the camp when I was a Signal IC,
Before exercise I pass a set of signal set to the instructor
After exercise, the instructor told me that the signal set have pass to another department
There was a Signal IC in that department too & I went to ask him if they have taken our equipment
He was so confident that he say "NO"
Me, with the mindset of, no one know what happened or whats going on
Except that particular person own up
Problem is sometimes they themselves don't know the answer
So I noted down the S/N & I scan through one by one of their equipment
Guess what... I found that exact signal set in their department

So now goes, how much can you trust even if they are an officers to be?
Never forget if you have a responsibility to do something then make sure you really do what it suppose to be 
Worst thing on Earth is sometimes people don't know what they don't know

Give people respect & don't keep on making fun of the people if they have done a silly mistake.
Never ever ever talk bad behind the people back, you should look more into their good points
And never ever ever look down on people, instead you should help that person
That's what it suppose to be

Bear in mind that even people disrespect you, 
Shall not make you into a person who disrespect back to them
Always remember who you are & be who you are
Never ever let others forget who you are

5.Being Hot tempered
I always feel that I am the peaceful type of person
But until recently I found out that people words, small little things that they do
Easily got me pissed off, easily got me angry
Maybe I was once a peaceful guy that no one will make me angry,
But I realize that this wasn't a fact now

No matter what happen 
Just remember what you do
Never let that few minutes of anger ruin your future

I realize something in me or maybe in everyone
There is always that few minutes of moment somehow don't know what's going on
That you are super inspire to do something, want something very badly
But when you wake up the next morning you realize that your energy of inspiration of doing that particular things drop to zero

If you are inspire at that moment
Just do it, 
If you can, do it & make it more achievable

7.Being a Blur King
There was once someone told me this,
"You are an idiot, why must you do all these sort of stupid things & make people remember for life?"
This line got me reflect & it will always remain in my mind now

What I feel, I always denial & come to a conclusion that
Why I am like that basically is because I am not very interested in it
Therefore I always look blur, not being alert

But it must change, I must excel in everything I do
That's what it is suppose to be

8.Low Self-Esteem
This is the one I feel that it is bothering what I am doing, who I am
Whenever I did not do well in certain things & people use that to tease me
It got me "down" & whenever that topic starts again
I became pessimistic & felt that I am a failure in my life

From now on, people who ever tease me in the mistake I done 

9.Convert your joke to a lesson learnt
I will never forget what I did during Brunei that I fire off one blank at the last hour of the assessment that got me not to able to have that JCC Badge
I will be posted to BMTC & I always worried that the new recruit will ask me
Why I didn't get my JCC Badge
And I doesn't know how I should answer them or maybe how I should lie to them
Because peers feel that it was a joke to them & it is a disgrace of being an officer for making such mistake
But instead of feeling that
I finally came up with a solution,
That's to make it a very serious matter, create a lesson process for them
So that they will remember what are the proper steps handling their weapon for their entire life
And not to make the mistake I made

It will be the biggest disgrace to yourself 
For not admitting what you had done wrong
Making up stories, hiding up everything & make yourself like you are perfect wouldn't get you far
Be proud of making mistake now then to make mistake in future
Learn & overcome it

10.Being paranoid
I always worried & worry for whatever things I do
I am just afraid that I couldn't do it
Couldn't success in it
That got me low confident & low morale to do what I need to do

This make me look bad
This create nothing but unhappiness in whatever I do
I have decided & tried
I will always tell myself I can do it
I will make it
Never allow Pessimistic to come into your mind
Terminate it immediately before it goes on further

Everything must not be over do or neglected entirely
It is the best to always balance in everything you do
Let's say about capability & ability
If you are capable to do it then just do it
But when you are not capable then you should do something about it
And not keep doing it like how you usually do
You need to be flexible & make changes anytime

Do not compromise too much in whatever things you do
If you keep on compromising, the other side of it will accumulate more problems 
And the problem will never be solved

12.Lies or happiness
This have been revolving in my mind for very long....
Will you lie to create happiness for the others?
Or you will choose to be honest & make the people sad?
I have been thinking this for very very very long....
So I came up with this conclusion.

If lie were to create happiness without affecting your future, please do
If lie were to to just create temporary happiness & accumulate disappointment, then PLEASE STOP

So now I faced a problem,
I wanted to create happiness, I doesn't want to accumulate disappointment
I am having a hard time to balance between my ability & capability 
And I doesn't want to lie on my capability for the temporary happiness & create disappointment regarding my ability
So what should I do?
(Still thinking.......)

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


Can't deny that today will be the day
I am back to a solider mode rather than a man who can live so freely in a civilian life.

Yesterday before the holidays end, talked to my girl & get to know about myself more.
I realize cadet in OCS is all about self-reflection & of cause a relationship as well, this 2 years of my life might be a waste of time but I guess not, this 2 years will be the time I study about myself & make changes in me now before it could affect the rest of my life.

People used to say this,
"If you don't solved those small problem, then it will accumulate & become a big problem."
Then when you realize it, it is too late to solve it

Just a short post before I back to camp,
I hope everyday everything will get better & better 
It is never easy to be what it takes now until it is over

Monday, April 7, 2014

Har ^^

History remain as history but there is definitely good & bad 
Good ; If you were to learn something, gain knowledge not only about the things that you are interested to do that you want to do but also gain knowledge about yourself
Bad ; If you are still looking back at those sad moment, feel sad & never get over it

Since it happened in a blog,
this shall be mention in blog too
I accidentally saw your old blog & I got curious 
So I went to dig, search & find your history
Since I have the courage to read it, look at it
I will have the courage to accept what it is in the past

Instead of feeling sad, I felt unfortunate that we didn't meet earlier.
Look at the young age of you, so adorable >,<
Take more care of your face & maintain okay?
Now, this is one thing that wish what you said is really what you mean that's you already forget what it is
(sorry to mention/remind you about your history)
I don't know if there is still anything that could remind you of him
Hope not & I am doing good to overwrite him in your memory

Actually I have no idea why I am becoming what I am now
But I pretty like & super enjoy who am I after I am back from Brunei
I am cheating myself that I am your first but actually I am not & I should be more willing accept the fact of your past
I read some & saw that the reason why your r/s failed.
I once said that people used to relate other story to their r/s
So instead of reading or finding out about other people story 
I am reading your story & find what's going wrong
I saw you mention something that's regarding your character or attitude 
But not pretty sure in detail what's that
Just hope that you learn from your mistake okay?

Don't worry too much because your boy this time round is different
He will not let you walk through this alone, you are never alone :)

Purpose for this post :
I believe you didn't want to delete that blog is because there is a lot of good memories of your friends compared to your sad story
I felt grateful as your boy to see those best friends of yours accompanying you to get over those sad moments, I felt like saying a thank you to them

About me :
I am changing so fast that I couldn't even know if it is a good or bad thing
I hope it is a good thing for you & for us 
Among so many changes, I like it the most is what I am today
An ultra optimistic guy who is filled with confident
(Add on) I like communicating & talk to people ,even a strangers *
Communicate easily, differently or maybe I would say much better to anyone else compared to the past
I really really like what I am today 
Now, this is one thing I afraid of 
That's I will be changing again, maybe back to the quiet side,pessimistic & "Sian" mode
I hope not because I have never ever felt so self-confident & positive before

During sec sch, people used to type those important part at the last part ....
hahaha those are really a memory
So I am going to do it also this time round :p

3 more days to
Our 1.8333333* Anniversary tgt :D


Thursday, April 3, 2014

A discovery about myself

Just a short description about myself....
After going to Brunei for the Jungle Confident Course (JCC) & didn't manage to get the badge due to the last hour of firing off a blank...
The one that impacted me so much in the entire oversea training in Brunei
Everything was fine & was good until the last hour before the assessment....
I would say JCC is definitely nothing to me even with the rains when I am in the jungle ,it is the last shot that was out, that really make me couldn't forget about it.

This is what I discovered in myself,
I know what it is, I know what to do but when I am doing it, I don't really think while I am doing and I forget what is supposed to be done
Sometimes I think that I know, but actually I don't know
I am always "not on the ball"
I feel that I got a bit of autistic
I feel that my reaction really is slow

Then as you keep found the negatives in you, you will just keep pulling yourself down
Don't forget to always look back & identify more of the good things you have done, succeeded
If not you will just enter into the self-destruction mode & it is mentally unhealthy
So after all....
I think I just want to be more of myself
Can't wait for commissioning/ORD/University Graduation/Work
Civilian life.....

Now is to just relax & enjoy my long holidays from 31/3/2014 to 10/4/2014

Since the day I touched down into SG

After several self-reflection over the day since I am back to Singapore....
There is these few changes in me that I am dare to admit & I have no idea why it only changed when I am back home.

I started to hate social media, guess it was because I wasn't able to use it for the past 20 over day in Brunei.
I have no idea why my self-confident level actually boosted so far way up in the sky now but when I go back to camp, it become the another way round.... (?)

I couldn't want to do anything except playing my game named SimCity, this game just appeared in my mind so I decided to search for the latest version. Then I manage to find it, but now this is the problem....
I get addicted, engross in playing this game. It is like a drug, I have no idea why but it really got me spending all day playing & figuring how to build, sustaining a city.
A game that is so real that could easily understand how government work in all cities, why they is a need for education, hospital, police station, fire station, casino. How much can expo or stadium contribute to the country revenue. Taxes for residents housing, commercial building, factory.
How you even raise your land value.

To people it might really seems to be like a ordinary game but to me, I learn something that can be bought over to our real world & that's value. Land have land value, we human being have our value too.
What value? That's the value of a person, everyone have different value. For land value,the following factors determine the land value;Accessibility to a school, a shopping mall, an bus Interchange or MRT station & understand why usually there is a park, swimming pool, gym or any other facility were build for, these some of the factors that could raise the land value as well.

Now for us human being, there are plenty of factors that could change your value in the street.
First ,we are divided into male & female.
Our value changes almost everyday & it raised automatically when someone appeared to affect your existing status.
Let's just go into r/s, your value actually raised when you communicate more to opposite sex of friends ,
then how much & how long you two have been communicated for. Once the opposite party show interest or express interest in you, (if you don't know) your value actually raise, it is like ....
Now in the street, there is one more person who want you to be their partner....
So if you repeatedly, then it will keep raising , & your demand is more in the society..
It is like a demand & supply, the supply is only one which is describe you so if were to use a mathematics way to describe the supply in this case is that , supply is a fixed variable , it cannot be changed because no one in this world is the same like you.  
Then followed by the demand which is a variable that is occasionally raising or lowing this is depends on the following;

1. How well are you connected to the social media
2. How many type of friends you are communicating ( The opposite sex gender)
3. Your actions towards others ( Concern..etc)
4. When the 3rd party complimented that girl/guy to you
5. When you know that there is someone or rather more than just one person is targeting him/her

As your value raised, your boyfriend/girlfriend feel in-secured...
And we human being are gifted with this "talented" mind that is only when you lost something or you are about to lose something, the value of the particular thing raised & as the value of it raised = demand raised.
Then we human being will do something to gain it back .....
I guess this is what the word ," take things for granted" come about in the dictionary.

- I read the journal you wrote for me
I am touched by the words & the things you do for me
My tears rolled down my cheeks once again
I wanted to say
Be yourself & nothing will go wrong

I could explain now why I am acting or maybe behaving more confident in front of you nowadays,
the reason is this.....
I am sick about me, myself being someone who always live without any confident at all in army life
Actually army life make me not able to be what I am originally was,
Someone who can joke around with anyone
Someone who enjoy making new friends 24/7
Someone who can even speak confident to another person

I didn't tell you this before, because I realize I have been telling you too much too much negative things about myself to you.....
(In this case, I am lowing my own value towards you)
It will be nice or good to hear when someone tell you his/her problems, but everything need to be balance
So if the problems overflow, it turn out to be another thing which is called irritating,annoying & a burden.
Maybe is really because of that, I became like this now
I am way more confident now because I am definitely thousands times more optimistic than before

Reasons..... of what you are now
I didn't blame anyone
What I could say is... You & I
We are the same
Why you got so into me now is because of the factor number 4 that is happening to you
( Because of the flower at your party )
This is a way of explanation I could thought of to explain that is,
This lead to a value raise in a person & our human mind is a "dick", it just function such a way that will then think natural that other people might wanted someone like that as well
So then you started to doubt yourself & you are afraid to lose this person which is me
So my solution to this is, don't get affected so much by the others because the fact is that we, both of our value is the same
But if you are acting accordingly to what your mind tell you is, then in this case you yourself will be lowering your own value & that's when the "dicky" mind which is duno why is just made such a way that
will transfer you to a place called - paranoid, self-demolish & it keep lowing your self-esteem then to a person that is pessimistic
(Basically a state whereby you are self-destructing yourself)
But don't worry I will be there for you :)

This happened to me as well
It was those day before I went to Brunei
Those days when you keep baking cookies, cake, food for me
You know when I tell my friends, share with them
Everyone praises you, they even cracked a joke out of it by saying
Hey can you introduce your girl to me?
And this things kept going for like sometimes
There you go.....
I become the state you are in now.....
I start to think, appreciate even a lot a lot more of you
When people complimented you, cracking those joke which i can't treat it like a joke
Introduce you to them?
My mind is like, F*** You!
(Your value raised a lot a lot)
I told them a little stuff of you being so hardworking & how good you are to me
That's when I am scared to lose you anytime
(PART 1)
Then it followed by the guy that you know from the work place
The sentence you said," He look exactly like me "
It affected me a lot a lot a lot a lot
(PART 2)
At that moment I can't really do much & I never forget how you started to compare
Saying how sweet he is & etc....
I am worried
Because I prepared my gift for you since months ago before you mentioning the part of sending flower when he is not around or so.... to his girl
Worried that it is only when you said this then I do this or etc....
(Maybe in other word, COPY his method or what)
I just learnt that relationship really not a simple thing to handle in life, but I never give up
I believe that maybe is just being paranoid only so I started to force myself out of that "dick mind" HOLE that is build in such a way that it will react or think in a certain way which actually from a "NO" to a "YES" thingy after something happened
I know that trust wasn't a simple word for me, but I have to really learn to understand it
So I always told myself, TRUST yourself & TRUST your partner
The word TRUST.....
is a very powerful word that take really take long to understand...
I decided to work on it.....

Now I would say, I have pass this "module" already,
If I can do it, you can do it as well
So if you read this,
I would like to tell you this,
Don't worry I will be there for you :)
Girl - Jiayou :))

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Last message before flight

Flight Number : MI8912
To Brunei on 7th March 2014
Changi Airport Terminal 2(Above Burger King)
Departure: 0300HRS
Flight Number : MI8911
Back Singapore on 30th March 2014
Changi Airport Terminal 2
Arrival: 0250HRS

All officer before they became an officers will have to go through these training...
Couldn't know what it is going to be during these days, 
What I know is that anythings can happen 
People used to say,
21 days is when a person can change & starts to get used to the new habit 
After JCC, 
A person might realize who they really are
Might changed to another person
To these, I hope I will came back with as positive feedback
Really hope I will learn new things & be better
I am now very look forward to all my training until my joint term to commissioning
To Lead..
& Overcome....
We shall see the differences in me when I am back Singapore
Say No to fear
Say No to fear
& lastly say all you want to SUCCESS!

To My Girl:
I always know that I am not able to do everything that perfect as what you expected
Sometimes I compare, I compare myself with other people
I realize how different was mine compared to them
I know where I stand
But I told myself these...
Doesn't matter hows other people reaction are compared to mine
Who I am is what I really are..
I know I couldn't give the best but I know at least I could contribute something
I do try & I really tried 
I wouldn't know whats the result after all but as I said ...
Like the very first time, I will do my best
My very best to be the best boyfriend that I could 
To give you all I could 

We might made some mistake 
Mistake as in our relationship progression?
Mistake as in our attitude towards one another?
Mistake as in our trust?
And it might be a lot more things that it couldn't be seen in our naked eyes...
But, as well as we know
And we know how to recover from it
Everything will be fine
Couldn't stop appreciating 
What are the things you did for me
What you planned for me when I booked out
What you surprised me with...
You know I just wanted to say these to you
I Love You~
(The words that couldn't be define with billion/zillion/trillion words/sentences/pages)

I Love You !
I no longer feel scared of losing you anymore because I am now confident in the trust we had for one another

Sunday, March 2, 2014

11+15 March 2014

This two days are so important to me ....
It was my 1st year anniversary with my girlfriend & her 21st B'day..
But I have an oversea training at Brunei from 6th March to 30th March...
Every time I think of it I feel very disappointed & sad for not being able to be present on either one of the day.
Even though I am sad but I wish there is still people who is around her who can celebrate her 21st B'day good & make her happy still.

I never forget what she wrote to me before I enlist into Ns..
She wrote to me telling me that in life, it has two wings....
left wring of disappointment ; right wing of happiness 
left wing of sadness; right wing of joy
If there isn't any balance of either side of the wing....
Then something must be in wrong....
I believe having all these hard time during my training, it will not only toughen me, it is toughening my relationship with my girlfriend & toughen her as well.
With a super ultimate optimistic mindset of mine now, I do not believe in failure.
I only believe in perseverance.
Being so negative for like months in OCS, i finally found out the reason why..
It was simple, it is just basically about your own performance in your daily life..
If you not able to do something well then of course you will become moody & when this accumulated for months....
There you will involved into a pessimistic person.
Always look back at the successful things you have done
Get back the feeling, have the feeling of being a winner & don't keep thinking about failure that make you a loser.
If they are things you can't do well, people around you will have one that is even lousier than you.
You will never be the last guy if you continue to work hard!
Work hard & smart!
Don't overly pampered yourself when you put do in some effort..
Put in 200% more effort then only you award yourself
Moment you lost your confident, don't stay in that zone anymore!
Do something!! Find a way out of that stupid circle & gain your confident back!
If anyone who were like me once before~
Come on let's get back up & get things done!!
Continue to fight!
Never afraid of making mistake! 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Weekend burned in Mandai Navigation

It was exercise seeker & hunter, it is to train us for Brunei Jungle Confident Course (JCC) navigation.
First day one instructor will be assigned to us to navigate to our 2 check point & 1 log point which will then give us the another two remaining check point. Total there is 5 check point plus one that is the final checkpoint.
Second day is when the instructor will leave us to navigate on our own ( So if you are lost in the mission & didn't manage to back track to your location on the map, most likely the team will be disband then to join other team for JCC )
We will be given pastor, compass, map.
It wasn't easy to track, plot your location on the map.
We lost our way in between those check point & will lost our location on the map & that's what we in army term would like to use when we lost our way during navigation, " HO LAN".
It is very scary to lost your way in the forest, imagine if it was Brunei which is 5D4N. We were only doing this for 2D1N in mandai forest which you can spot civilian in there jogging/cycling.
Can't wait to get out of the forest while we are navigating..
Luckily we were in a team of 7 people, imagine if I will be alone navigating..
I couldn't know what will it going to be...
if one day I am lost in a jungle ...
how would I find my way out..
survived in the forest.

Never forget that i dreamed that I was waking up in my room next day....
(Must be missing home very badly)
I got so worried if I booked out yesterday & were need to report the next morning.
I overslept & worry that I will be charge for AWOL( Absent without official leave ) which is a very big crime in army ...
Then my dream keep struck in the confusion these AWOL shit~ till I wake up & we were ready to move off to exercise hunter which we will navigate 8 hour to hit certain amount of checkpoint required on our very own without instructor following us.

This week was a weird schedule for us,
got nights out 3 hour for Friday...
Book out on Sunday 10pm
( Will be booking out on Monday morning if we didn't do well in our exercise )
Book in on Monday 9pm

Miss my civilian those days......
I remember those civilian life whereby
I do not need every time travel so far from home on Sunday to book in,
freedom I had before,
I have always told myself these 2 year will pass very fast,
It have already crossed 30% of the number of days to ORD...
I really hope to get back the freedom I had before plus I can gain something out from these 2 years in army.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Impact people's life

Service term had come to an end~
After a final 24km route march, we will be posted out to different vocations in our professional term(Pro-term)
We have different types of vocation in my batch, there are Logistic, Armor, Signal & lastly which is infantry which will always be available for every batch.
I chose Signal as my first choice & Armor as my second choice & last choice which is infantry.
I do no know if how true that Permanent Resident will confirm to be posted to infantry but I just know I was posted to infantry in Bravo wings.

There was this question asked by our instructor,
are you choosing other vocation is because you really wanted to go in that vocation?
You are choosing other vocation because you wanted to get rid of infantry?
Many of the people do not like infantry because there is too much outfield & has more physical training than the other vocations that is available in my batch.
But think again, it is not that bad of what you think.
More swear in training is better than more blood in the war.
It is tough only during the cadets period, after commissioning it will be very different.
Being so confused in my common leadership term & service term due to the environment & being not motivated at all, I will not bring this attitude to my next stage in my Pro-term.

I have few things in my mind -
I MUST* have Self-confident after this 6 months
I MUST* be the one who stand out to lead
I MUST* be more focus in my training
I MUST* be super self-motivated
I MUST* be more independent
I MUST* be more hardworking
I MUST* excel in whatever task i am given to do
I MUST* make thing happen
I MUST* impact people's life

If you ever reach a stage whereby,
you questioning yourself, if what you are doing is right or wrong
That you are doing things in doubt
It show that something must be not correct
So make sure you do what is right & not choose the easiest way out
Always remember to complete what are the things you planned to do
Never do things incomplete & just leave it undone
This will lead you into a bad habit & you will always do things "HALF-FUCKED"

A lot of things happen in my relationship as well
I only know that my partner have a hard time with me but she is still doing her best working very hard in our relationship while I who is easily tired, because of tired & always use the word "TIRED" covering up all the excused I can so as not to get things done.
I should stop doing & acting what it is now
If I am tired, I am not supposed to show
I always know that my girl wanted to go out so badly when she have time for me
Always planned so many activity for me

I always know that but I never really show her that I know
It does not mean that people who do not say
People who are very quiet means that they don't know any things
There is a lot of feelings & thought inside that it couldn't know how to be express

Regardless of whatever shit there is going to happen
I won't give up on you my girl!
I Love You <3