Thursday, December 26, 2013

Is that true?

No one like this
No one want to be this
The moment when you got so tired
Someone who get tired so easily
Feel so weak that a girl body are so much stronger than guy
Feel so useless when someone say that the amount of sleep they had is lesser than you yet still so energetic compared to you

Moment your expression changed
Moment I feel that why must you treat me this way
Moment I recall back my feeling & thought when you were in this state
I feel sad, disappointment, feel like just ignore you but I keep told myself not to let this few mins of stubborn thought ruin the future of us, it can be overcome, there is definitely other ways I can do to change this....
So it happen to me now & I worried
I feel sad, I feel like you were to ignore me the next moment
You never try, you just don't talk to me at that point of time
Inside my heart, the feeling of tiredness & sadness ......
I forced myself not to look so shag, so tired as I know how it feel like accompany someone like that for the rest of the day

Glad that at that moment you proved me wrong, you did tried to show concern
You talk to me although it was that little
I felt that I was all wrong again.....
I apologize for being such a spoiler of the day
I appreciate.. I really do appreciate..... realized I have been using this word "appreciate" very often
Because I really do appreciate a lot
Forgive me for the lack of vocabulary
Caused it to be like an ordinary word now

Lastly, you lost patience to me easily nowadays I couldn't know why
Probably I am really deaf, I am really sorry for that
To make you repeat
To make you explain
To make you look like you date with a country bumpkin

Most likely, I myself found that I have many, many, many , many bad points in me...
Found myself far, far ,far ,far away from what I myself expect it to be
Lots & lots of things need to be change...
As I move on it just accumulate more & more & I will never find any goods in me sooner or later due to the amount of bad points that had out numbered the good one in me

(One of my friend in camp share with me this & I find it is so true)
Have you ever come across this ~
You asked a question, someone answer you Yes or No but you were still in doubt?
You stick to what you think is true after all the answer that they gave due to the history of him/her?
You made the conclusion of your own without giving the person another chance to change?

End ~

I love you for what you did...
We face each other more after we got together...
Regardless of how tired we are
The expression of us when we really are
Is either we will see it now or in future
Believe both of us doesn't really know what to do when that happen
It doesn't matter
We slowly learn to react
We have time, we give one another chances, we grow from it
We accept the goods & bad of one another

Things that I can do I tried
Things that you do I felt it
Nobody is perfect yeah?

Bought a new computer after Exercise Centipede

Finally I manage to get my customize computer after so long~
Spent around $1.4k including a 23 inch monitor :)
(Glad that I am able to claim $820 from my Dad company, benefit for the employee to purchase any electronics items each year)

It had also been a long time which I really got the time to update my blog.
Exercise Centipede was a 10D9N in tekong which we were stay at this area called stagmont camp which is the very old type of bunk & we will sleep on the safari bed with air pillow.
During these 10 days, we were learning to do fire tactical movement in section level, basically close combat fire fighting fundamental in section level.
I find it so interesting at first, I got so excited to lead, I love it a lot a lot,at the moment i was imagining if one day really there is a war I will want to lead my man to fight & ensure that they will all be back safety. I felt so confident to lead at the start & I actually volunteer to lead all my section mate for a fire movement drill.
One drill will roughly take up approximately 20 mins. There i go, being a section commander, I was being praise by the commander that our section movement is better now , section is advancing at a good pace, maintaining a good momentum. This lead me having even more confident to lead. After the drill, we were assigned to do 6 mission using all the things that we were taught, I was chosen as one of the section commander, felt so happy that I was given an opportunity again.
This time round, the terrain wasn't that good compare to our training area & my helmet was a burden to me that got me so uncomfortable, keep covering my eye while i run that lead me not able to see enemy, in fact anything that is in front of me & I was shot down by the enemy caused me to failed as an section IC in the station & the section pass.
Moody, disappointment, sadness, got very emotional. No one in the camp actually i am really open up to, I don't feel comfortable to talk to anyone in there.
Lots of careless mistake were made during the exercise, at first I was substitution for my section commander because she was Attend C till day 2 in tekong so I didn't bring along the money that I have collected from my section mate for the last day of Recreation & Relax (R&R) pizza that is $330 for 11 person.
secondly, didn't take good care of my SAW weapon & leave it unattended while I am refilling my canteen & water bag. The person did told me that he shift my weapon because it is blocking him to refill water from the Jerry can, but I have to admit is my own fault that I am not able to muti-task. I did reply him alright but in the end i forgotten.
Thirdly, I leave my Map unattended ( It is important because if you fight a war & the map will usually have some indication of your movement, so if enemy got that in hand, they can roughly know our direction plans & will counter attack it easily)
Next, I leave my assault bag unattended ( Was being blame at first because someone took it, never take good care of it & it had my number on it during declaration while everyone have unpacked, packed & leave the training shed)
Lastly, I took care of one of my section mate Map & I anyhow placed it at someone else assault bag Caused the Platoon IC to worry, because it was me that our Platoon commander instructor got really angry & warned him, giving him one last chance.
Then never forget that I wore the wrong side of my boots. thinking back of all these things that i made, it might feel really bad at that moment but after awhile I felt that all these memory really very memorable for me & is really funny that I didn't realize I wore my boots wrong side after 2 hours later. Hahaha

I learnt something in the exercise that is if you ever met a situation you hesitate & think that if you were suppose to do it or not, you are in doubt.Then make sure you really think wisely of the action you made cause when you are in doubt means something is not right.

I also feel that my English was really a burden now, if I am to carry on to be what I am. It is not going to change, I will never change. I need to do something about it, I am an officer & if I speak like a fool with so many grammar mistake, limited vocabulary it don't reflect well on me to commander my man next time.
I always have difficulties to present what I need to say to all the people in my wing line.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Rush & rush

Got navigation at Mandai camp, saw a lot of the durians & my section went to pick it up & eat ~
Get to fire SAW weapon that is just so cool~
Exercise cocoon was held & it was so lucky that our WC let us stay in our Wing line to sleep compared to other Wing
Do quite a numbers of movement drill & weapon handling test, found it a good challenge & just going to do my best

Not going to say much about army stuff, maybe it will be a little more on thoughts & feel more

Felt that it is scary when you see this person who look normal yet he can suddenly say those things that you never expect him to be, knowledge that he had.....
People will forever to step on you if you never fight back, they will take advantage of you...
You observe people, at the same time do you know that people are also observing you?
I have always underestimated myself, underestimate people
This all got to change -

See people how they reply you, how their face are when they speak, don't blame them , just get use to it & don't be afraid -
Because they used to born to have their expression & etc...
Learn to accept it & continue to do what you think you are right

Nothing is wrong or right if it does not involve any human lives for an exchange~
No matter how good, how bad you are, don't be affected by people who dislike you
Because no matter what you do what you don't do if the person don't like you, means don't like
Just carry on~
Just isolate people who don't appreciate you~

Got back my iphone that was spoil during my graduation, saw the last updated whatsapp twitter....
Was the day I enlisted into National Service
Remind me of my ah ma
Saw those photos of my girl & I  :D
Going to use back my repaired phone! Screen color is so much nicer :)


~Rushing week~

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Ippt/Sat Book out

Fitness got affected by motivation.
Got sliver in my IPPT.
SBJ - 230
Chin-up - 8
2.4km - 10.21 min
Days in OCS don't feel so motivated like in BMT..
Striving to get the motivation back ~

Guess the amount of sleep maybe really affect my performance?
Shall sleep early next week onward.

Got a first warning from my PC because of me not able to do the matador & M203 drill properly,
fall asleep most of the time in lecture.
Going to change it!
I must overcome my blurriness!
I am going to overcome it! I hate the confusion or blur side of me every time for whatever things I do
No confident standing in front of all the audience
Got stay back till sat then can book out, we were sent to the Jurong 2nd link custom few kilometer away from the bridge doing our Matador & M203 live firing ~

Overal in my mind I just hope when the day I bring you to the night~
I could make you feel proud to stand beside me

~ Short & sweet blog for this week
If a day I don't change, I will always remain...
List to do -
1. Able to accept people saying offensive words to me
2. Be more alert
3. Change my lazy mindset
4. Excel in everything i do
5. Overcome whatever shit that make me scared or blur
6. Make it happen!

Price of $200 for the whole set
Very last min before i book in camp I get to sell it away ~

Sunday, November 17, 2013

4th week in OCS

Back from leadership challenge 3D2N camp
Day 1 - build a big tent for a section size group to sleep
Day 2 - Sleep in the jungle alone 

Never forget being reprimanded while i was in deep sleep on the first night, we are not allowed to wear boots & sleep (hygiene).
Woke up with my buddy & we was rushing to take off our boots & get back to sleep.
It was a very fun & exciting experience for the staying in jungle on the 2nd night.
We will only be given a ground sheet & a trash bag we need to build a shelter alone, no longer like in BMT sleeping with buddy under same shelter.
Cut the trash bag into half & use it for me to sleep on.
We will also require to do reflection after we build our shelter in the jungle.
It was a very peaceful to be alone in jungle.
Then we was told to do a section gift, i took a dead fall and crave something for my section

I craved a wood with all the outer rough surface being cut away.
It represent us, we are just a random group of people who were chosen by the MINDEF, dead fall everywhere in jungle..
Reason it is cut into the inner layer, it represent that our relationship, as we know each other better, we will do things more better & smoother ,that's why the surface become smoother & the outer layer is being cut away.
The candle liquid that is form outside the wood represent our swear, the whole wood represent our wing.

I crave very late at night, while i was cutting it, suddenly I though of my girl, thinking that it was our 8months together I couldn't able to get a things for her, so i crave something for her represent us, a wood that crave our date together and a heart shape behind, then ask her to write her name on one side of her love shape & i will write my name on one side of the love shape. Then combine together it represent I <3 her .
So i crave until very late before i went to sleep.

The next day, woke up ....
We were told to fall in down the slope out the jungle on the main road, marching back to wing line.
While we were told to fall in....
My PC called out my name infront of everyone, ask me to look for my section PC later...
Being paranoid of me, I keep thinking what i did yesterday that resulted into this....
The whole journey back to wing line I was thinking & thinking...

After we reached our wing line, we were told to fall in at the training shed within 3 min...
We ran!We rushed!
But we couldn't hit the timing, then we were told to fall in a basketball court within 3 min again~
At this moment, my PC shouted out for me!
"Where OCT ZHI WEI ?","Come look for me now!!",
I ran over & he keep question me, what have i done wrong.... keep asking me to recall & "mind fuck" me..
I think over & over again... asking if it because i sleep too late or I light my candle beside my shelter...
Then he said I did something that causes the platoon PC unhappy about me...
Asked me to run to the court & explain to him & form up together with them...
-Everyone was already in push up position & they are already doing push up few times ....
Then once again I was being question again, "mind-fucked" again, asking me what I did & want me to explain to everyone...
But i tried & try & the answer was wrong...
So he said " Nevermind... now you tell me , how many push up they have done?"
I answer it wrong... someone corrected me that they did 22..
That make me blur, confused & don't know what to do.... felt guilty to make the platoon to do push up because of me "once again"..
So.... while i keep thinking & thinking..
Sir asked me one last time,"So you know why they are being knock-down? "
He continue to say," Nevermind... everyone recover!"

~B'day songs started .... everyone recover & sing b'day song to me..
hahahaha it was a memorable b'day I could get in my camp...
Also that day was the exact b'day date of mine...
Got really surprise & appreciate the mini-celebration of  cake for all the oct/nov people in Sierra wing.

Next.... got my gf angry on sat, reason was same again..
Answer her in a rude way because of her asking me if I wanted to go into that cafe to have our dinner..
The kindness of her resulted in the rudeness of mine , but I appreciate how fast she can forget & forgive me~
I really really feel bad for reacting such attitude towards her...
Got to note it down all the bad things i done & make sure I know what have i done wrong....
Recall & learn from my mistake..
Reflect - I got to know this.. I am tired , my girl also tired but just because of my selfishness I neglected her feeling?
I should learn to know what i am doing, saying no matter what...
Tired = excuse
I will not use it as an excuse for whatever i have done wrong~

(Rushing through post)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Date out~

I guess this is just fate~
I just realize without her knowing that this morning both of us late was because we were blogging!
Doing the same thing without each other knowing ! 
Actually it is already a good start but didn't get to know~

First time I guess I really use some effort for the itinerary for the outing, I realize this in me
I always limiting myself to move on further
This shall change~

I have been stubborn for too long, it is time to wake up
I have always been blurred, it is time to be awake 
I have always in my comfort zone, it is time to shift to a new zone to stop limiting myself to further move on

I have never been so happy before
An early start of having of such filling & delicious breakfast at marina bay sands
Don't really eat such sophisticated food but it was my girlfriend who make me experience such a perfect meal for the day
Then we went to the Museum, wanting to get a $15/person entry to take a look inside 
But we were lucky there is another opening of Channel brand gallery for us to enter & it is free!
Followed by a shopping in H&M! I didn't expect to find such an affordable price of $79.80 of a long pants & a long sleeve shirt, so I decided to buy it straight! haha
After all the activity until evening time, we went to take a night ride of cable car that cost cheaper for a couple for the ride & a promotion of two coke & a popcorn.
We took all the way to sentosa, back to Harbont tower then to The jewel  to have a dessert to end our day.

The main thing I wanted to say was not about the activity for the day, it is more about the person I am with that have make my day so colorful & wonderful 
I feel so satisfied with the smile on you from the start till the end when i send you home
It had been so long i felt this way
You really make my day, an advance b'day gift like this is enough for me
The biggest gift on Earth was to meet you
To gain a girlfriend which is you
To have that smile on your face 
To feel so loved by you
To be able to love someone that's you

Day have ended pretty well for me tonight & I hope this day will really be a good memory for us
Let it be the day where it really considered as we start fresh once again with the little changes in us!
I only want the number of days being together to keep on going
I will fight till the end 
I believe nothing can stop this spirit in me to end!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Memories are the most precious & only things you can get after all~

It was a good news that i went back home friday night & I heard my Mum strike 4D again!
Haha I guess it was a huge amount of prize she won ~ 5 digits! In RM dollar.

She always posted about the memories with grandmother, I can see she really appreciate her a lot a lot.
She always tell me the funny moment of them together, going out to play together, the days they used to spent together ever since she was young.Whenever they mentioned about when mum was young, I can always see the smile on their face, things that my mum have done, all those silly things when everyone will do when they are young. Haha~ at least they have those good memories spent together.

Ones could leave anytime
Appreciate them
Appreciate the love
Appreciate for all the things they have taught you

Only things they can leave is the memories
Those good moments...
Everyone have their tough moment
Is the tough moment that you went through that make you strong that create those good memories in you

I never expect after 21st b'day, my family still celebrate my B'day.
I got to be back OCS during my B'day, but they did a advance mini-celebration for me.

A&F T-shirt from my elder sister
A lip kiss mark on the Ang Bao of $150 from younger sister
My bike insurance that cost $950 from Dad
Baked caked in a love shaped box from my girlfriend
(Skipped school to specially spend the time baking for me)

Mum bought me a lot of things all the while even it is not my b'day so i didnt expect anything from her ~

I am grateful to have all these things from them
I appreciate
I love them

I know I may look childish when I told you I am jealous, I do mind you going out with another guy solo.
I never forget how angry I was when you told me , "then we shouldn't continue anymore"
You know what i think? I feel?
I felt like, are you saying that our r/s not going to continue anymore?
Because of a stranger in my life who asked you out for dinner?
A stranger of mine that could make us fight?
Someone who worth nothing to me affect someone who worth so much so much to me?
You told me is his be-lated b'day, so you finally accepted to go out with him~

I never forget the past when I am in secondary school friends around me told me this, " hey, you want to ask her out is it? Very easy one, just ask her out on your b'day, your b'day she confirm will come out with you one."
Accepting him to go out is 1X

Then secondly, I felt so so so so so hurtful that you shown no guilty yet happy with him.
Thinking of the past when we are not together
I keep encourage you, just go out with the guy, I will be fine
You feel uncomfortable & guilty after all.
But now you act totally opposite
This is 2X

Followed by the place that you two go
You have went to a place which among so many place we went before it had never been so nice before
So romantic
This is 3X

In total I got 3 times anger in me.
I don't know how it feel like but I really really really want to say it out because I really do not know where should I talk to
I don't like sharing my r/s with another other
Because I believe everyone will teach different way & their style may make mine worst
So I trust only myself & my partner in my r/s

This is the moment of though in my mind
I felt like I am really a boring person who can't satisfy you
I felt like the person is really so interesting or maybe he have successfully flirted you to make you so wanting to go out with him
I felt like I am lost whereby I couldn't angry I couldn't express what I am supposed to & got to act opposite of what my original reaction was
I am really lost but only thing in my mind is I don't want to lost my girl

Reason you can be so claim, at the point of time my mind think was this
Reason you can be so claim is because I don't even want to contact another girl
Don't even want to communicate with another girl
So going out with another girl alone is totally not going to happen at all
With this, how unsecured can you be?

But I am stating this not to make you feel bad
I just want to let you know you are really really important to me
And no one else

I just want to state all these down for my own reference
This is no blame to one another
I learnt from it
My reaction is normal to be like this because I really love you
I find no wrong having such reaction

But I would want to say this,
My feeling of being such a way there is no wrong
Yes I have act opposite of what I am, I did it right!
Because by showing what my original action will make this situation more worst
Well done
I am doing the right thing

Things take time to get adapted to it, we are human
We can be easily change
I believe I can change , it can be done so I find no reason for not facing this challenge
If such a small thing I cant handle then in future how am I given a big task to handle any other things?

I hope I hope...
Someone would enlighten me at that moment, that's all I got to say.

End of the day
Just want to tell you, if you feel hurt reading this?
This is what I was when you are out there.
But I believe this no pain no gain
I want to gain more so I AM GOING TO TELL YOU!


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Finally it is another rest day ~

Result was out~
Posted to Officer Cadet School! As it is all i wanted while i am in BMT.

Day 1 -  Report to SAFTI Warrior's hall 12pm on Monday (21 Oct 2013).
Get whatever items from tekong all to OCS. The place is so big & nice that if one who don't know anything about OCS will think it look like a chalet to them. Got issued to Charlie 2 - Charlie platoon 2. That wing just temporary take us due to the large intake this time round for the common leadership module(clm), their cadet just got commission few weeks back so after clm they won't be taking any cadets till the next intake of cadets next year. The intake on my this batch was around 684 plus.
We had a small parade after we will sorted out into our Wings to take our cadet first bar. We were no longer called Recruit (REC) anymore, we are now named as Officer Cadet Trainee (OCT).
Straight after that parade, I initiated to be the platoon IC.
When we were transferred to our room, we were given some letter regards of the inivation of family on sunday & the car park they got to alight at & we have to write down our address & send that letter back home. In OCS, it is no longer in BMT whereby 16 people sharing one room, it is just 2 person per room & I got a buddy who is Out of Course (OOC) due to the injury of his leg in the 1 week term break. The room look so nice that it just look like chalet, give me a feel like as if there is air-conditional but.... only fan! haha
After we all settled down our items, we will given our OCS PT T-shirt & short & we slow jog tour around the whole SAFTI to let us familiarize the area.
Then lastly, whenever we drink water we got to say out our 8 core values during BMT.
But now in OCS , we got to say more than just that....
This is what we got to say before we drink our water from our bottle, the officers Creed.
Realize it is divided into two part is because we are still a cadets so we have to say three more lines to the Officer creed.
(Non-Commissioned Officers)
We are officer cadet of OCS
To inspire us onward as officer to be
We now state the reverence & respect to the officers creed
(Comssioioned Officers)
I am officers of Singapore Armed Forces
My duty is to lead, to excel & to overcome
I lead my man by example
I answered for their training, morale & discipline
I must excel in everything I do
I serve with pride , honor & integrity
I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude & determination
I dedicate my life to Singapore

Day 2 - We have a 4 km run & have to pass below the timing of 22 mins & we went to collect our laptop.
Then attend lecture about Singapore History all the way from morning to night, we not only were educated about Singapore History but also some nearby countries around our Island.

Day 3 - Overslept & I got famous in my platoon. By right falling in timing should be 6.00 am but I woke up at 6.17 am, wake up because of all the cadets singing songs while they march outside my window for breakfast, got super shocked yet cooling myself down & thinking that maybe they have all forgotten me then I should just skip through this breakfast time & join them back later, so I went to brush my teeth. Suddenly, one of my platoon mate rushed up & open the toilet door & he asked me " HEY! WHAT YOU DOING?EVERYONE IS BEING PUNISHED DOWN THERE WAITING FOR YOU & YOU STILL BRUSHING YOUR TEETH!!", then having the mindset that every time out the room your room must always be in stand by area condition, so i dashed back & fold my blanket. Then another time, the same guy opened my door & say "HEY WHAT YOU DOING? JUST GO DOWN!". So i rushed down & saw them all doing push up, I kept apology to them & that started the day of my 3rd day.
Next, lecture again all the way, it is a lecture about how do we present ourselves in front of people, in other word it is just a presentation skills. Then people got called up to present in front of all the new cadets in OCS, 5 min to introduced themselves to all & try to use the method he taught to get all of them to their attention. It was a very useful lecture for me, hope I can be a good speaker in future.
Overall for the day, I learnt something. I understand why the room was with 2 person instead of 16 person now. It is because 2 person got more responsibility to wake up on their own compared to 16 person which ones still can rely on one another. The structure of the corridor were also built such a way that you won't be able to know if there is people inside the room or not until you open up the door.

Day 4 - Route march started on the 4th day, it was a 3 km route march with ilbvs around the SAFTI. Then we were send to listen to career talk of Air-force,Navy & Army. We had buffer for dinner & it was a huge mess because everyone was fighting for it due to hunger.It is something new to me because I had never have a buffet in Army. After the dinner, we were back to Warrior's Hall to carry on for the few more hours talk & that mark the day for the night.

Day 5 - We had a commander parade in the morning, I don't know whats the main purpose of the parade, it reminds me of the times in BMT whereby during the adjustment weeks we have a parade too then after that we were just march back to our wings line & carry on our activity for the day. We draw our weapon, we were not like the days in BMT whereby we have a fixed SAR21 weapon, we will just to draw any one of them. Learnt how to use compass, skipped the compass course due to attending some career talk.

Day 6 - Afternoon to night, got to do compass jungle tour which is a course that the instructors will bring us in a jungle that is covered up with a rope all around like a square shape roughly about 200 meter by 200 meter & we have to use our compass to walk from points to points alone in the dark without able to use torch light, getting used to the darkness. I manage to find all the points & I find it super interesting & meaningful to me because I believe in my whole life I am not going to do this activity at my own at all. Who will go to the jungle whereby you have such a nice house to stay? Course was carried out with another wings because i went for the career talk previous day. Knew some female cadets & find those cadets are quite brave to take up army as their career. I remember one of them told me that one of the reason she signed on was because in future if they pregnant, they will be given 4 months to rest at home which is of one month more compared to corporate companies out there, getting monthly salary still while making baby. Then she also mention one things which is quite true is that imagine you were off from the office for so long then suddenly you go back, do you think the company still need you? You were lacked don't know how far behind. After of what they mention, make me feel that these female cadets are very mature to think far & wish them all the best in Army.

Day 7 - It was a invitation of family to OCS, I bought my parents, elder sister & my girlfriend around SAFTI tell them about our SAFTI Tower SAFTI parade, meaning of the building structure as etc. Never forget I got my girlfriend pissed off by answering her in a rude way when she asked me to change to formal to book out. We were given 6 hours to book out to accompany our family & tell them how we do in inside OCS, let them understand more. Then I was disappointed, originally wanted to accompany my girlfriend but due to the way how i answered her make her mood goes down, I just feel like just stay inside camp and not going anywhere because I don't want to make her mood goes down even more, spoil her day, plus it was on Sunday, a weekend of hers. Her mum was going to meet her at JEM for dinner. Can't forget when I told her this line,"Do you want me to go with you later to meet your mum for dinner?If don't want then it is okay I go back to my room & rest.", my heart was so pain that my tears were about to drop because I was a paranoid person I at first though it was because I wear Smart 4, got the smell & was dirty to meet her mum later, she don't like but I was wrong until she told me actually is the way i answered her when she want me to change to formal to book out, her mindset of wanting me to change also is because she felt that i will be more comfortable. Fortunately, she don't get angry with me very long. She was being so kind & understanding that end of the day she allowed me to join her & the day ended well for me & her.

Day 8 - Days getting boring & nothing special .We went for 3 km Route march again. Lecture of Military Law.

Day 9 - The day when we will turned out super early like 4am but I was well prepared for that due to the amount of hours rest they gave us.Usually was 7 hours but they gave us 8 hours of rest so all of them suspect & decided to wake up early to wait for turn out. Went for the confident jump of 10 meter high down a pool with long 4 & running up the stairs to SAFI Tower, the every single steps represent the number of each days in OCS till we commissioned as an Officer. Then we get to watched "Black Hawk Down". Never forget there is a scene when the soldier about to die, his brother trying to wake him up, reminds me of my mum waking my grandma on the bed in Gelang Pata~ I never forget the smile of my grandma until now~
And I think she going to be my motivation, I not going be OOC or whatever, going to do my best to get through this 9 months & to make her feel proud of me. :)

Day 10 - Went to Military Intelligent Interview but due to my citizenship I was not able to signed on unless I got my Singapore citizenship then I am able to. So waste my time in there waiting but it was good that I went & there is one officer who is helping me out about the applying of citizenship during army. Learnt how to deal with smoke attack, wearing the mask & wearing the suits that prevent any gas attack. Interesting that when we drink water we will need to go through that tube to our bottle, amaze by the technology of equipment they used to prevent gas invasion in future.

Day 11 to Day 13
This is the day when we need to study for our exam, never really note down what we did already. Just know that we have to get 80% for Safety exam & 50% for Military Law in order to pass.
I skipped a run of 3 km with ilbvs , so last day I actually were bought with a group of people who skipped any physical activity for a last strength training before we booked out. I was posted to Sierra Platoon 2 for Service Term. My friend of mine were transferred from Alpha Wing to my wing. Felt so happy to see him in the same Wing again like the time in BMT.
Never know what going to happen for this 3 months, but what I can say is I will definitely going to do my best, finding back my motivation like whats in those days during tekong.

Enjoy my weekends book out ~
Going to look forward for every Friday now cause I can book out already, no more confinement anymore!
Not going do any mistake to prevent me to book out every weekends :D
Dreamed of my passed away grandma one night, miss her a lot.
And I miss my family & girlfriend~

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Finally is holiday ~

It always good to enjoy the holidays specially after training for months & busy every weeks in camp~
Got a 24km march from friday 7pm to sat 4am plus~
The first 6km march, received a photo from my gf!
Haha so cute of her & the cupcake~
Someone who is always motivate me! My motivator :D

Never ever try walking at east coast park from one end to another end before~
Now I did & I don't feel like going to that "MEMORABLE" park again!

After road march~ was 4am plus & we changed up & sleep on the F1 track~
Whole track near the Marina platform was filled with thousands of recruits laying down to rest~
As My company was the last few one, we only manage to sleep for an hour then walk to the platform for GRADUATION!! :DD
Skipped the first entry of the parade due to not able to attend the rehearsal a week before because of me booking in on friday morning.It was a sad news when on wed night, after the parade rehearsal, the captain giving out the best platoon medal in front of the company & I was not around to collect :(
But my Ah Ma is more important ~ So no loss!
Next, I was only able to join in the parade on the re-entry for THROWING CAP PARADE :DD
HAHA~ at least i still can join in the parade to shout"POP LOH" together with everyone :)
(How i wish you were here to attend my graduation & admire the medal i got in BMT~)
(Never forget the smile on your face the day you send me in Tekong for enlistment~)

Was thankful that Daniel & Lynette came for my POP~
I didn't attend his parade yet he came to attend mine~
I guess there is no other friend who got a heart like them i can find.... 
Then I am super thankful to my elder sister's bf  who drove me in on friday morning 7.30am to ferry terminal to book in, sending us all home after POP~ whereby the field bag is so FREAKING HEAVY with ILBV & Helmet!

Back home~
Go out to Malaysia with gf to walk around....
Planned to get train back to Gemas on next weekend but~
the ticket station counter computer got problem..... & the staff told us," Our computer is down, i think you all will have to come down to get the ticket tomorrow"~ LOL? it was 4pm plus... Not efficiency at all ~
So then we had our dinner at a Japanese restaurant ....

Went for a run~ lunch at 925 ~ dinner at KFC~
Maybe it is time for me to be show my super super discipline of the food i am eating nowadays so that it can influence my gf as well~
Guess eating really play a super important part of our appearance & health~
So please always maintain~

Following day~
Manage to wake up early in the morning & ate breakfast with gf in school~
haha what a stupid day to be in school & having holidays on tuesday due to hari raya~
But of cause, it is better not to influence bad things to other ... like asking them to skip school~
Went to NTU! My Future SCHOOL! :D
Cant wait to study again ~ felt so motivated to study ever since in BMT~
Want to really put in all my best to hit GPA-5!
But with my friend went inside for a math lecture & i fall asleep~ :(
Seems like my concentration are not able to last longer compared to the past~
Hope it will be better after ORD, back to study~
Ate a Nasi bryani only at $3 at NTU & a curry puff of OLD CHANG KEE that you use the tong can take yourself~
Overall the university look very interesting to me~
After all ~ rushed back.. wanted to bath & wait for my gf & sister back to Malaysia due to the 7 days of my Ah Ma~
But.. saw the clothes in the washing machine, shit all over the house, the pee, smell like shit all around my house~
Couldn't take it & quickly clean them up
~All the while house chore was did by my parents, so looking at those dirt, smelling all the weird smell in the house, first thing in mind is , blame them first ~
(Realise that we human being, will take things for granted & if one who always showing their good effort every time wont be seem, but the 1 % of the bad thing happen in them, we start to point arrow at them)
Then i keep thinking & thinking... i guess it will have the in the mind is normal, but we must learn to appreciate & help out rather than calling them & complain, scold at them ..etc.
Got back & have a super heavy supper ~ :D

Overnight at my 5th uncle house..
It was big~
2 Storey
3 rooms( every room have toilet)
1 super big living room
The house was just super big..... every rooms are just like a master room.
Off the light! Can't even see my five fingers! LOL :D
(Used to want to have a big house, but like i guess just a house that is just nice for the amount of people to stay together is enough)

Went to buy lotus folding paper to fold & burn for Ah Ma...
Don't know what it actually means just know that it will be good for Ah Ma~
Haha it look beautiful ~

Step by Step Lotus flower 
 5x5=25 to fold the whole flower
 Each stack of five have to be a opposite end then tie them tight together
 Folding two upwards from the middle.. then direction to right all the way till a cycle
 Then fold upwards one layer by layer & leave the last layer
 Last layer just fold & make it nicer

Then after folding, it will need to bring back to the Master to pray before we burn for Ah Ma on certain date~

Addition point to note~
If you bought a top up prepaid card in Malaysia~
Do visit the Telco website & check out the code to activate the Data plan~
It will help you save a lot of $$ 

Then back Singapore....
Ran again~ Due to the intake of so much junk food in Malaysia~
Went to Chong Pang hawker to eat dinner~
(Feel shameless in the past when relative came to Singapore & ask me to bring then to eat something good I don't know, but now I wish they will be here again & i will bring them to different place to try all the "TOP" good in Singapore)

I wanted to end this post with this..
Understand that you will spend every single second with me when you are free...
I really really really appreciate... (Other than appreciate i couldn't know what other vocab i can use)
I hope that when i tell her that i want to meet my friend, she don't get upset.
Honestly, every single time while making decision & I am stunt, staring into was because of you..
No other hard time other than my family & you~
But my smart gf will really a smart gf, always give a good decision in the end & I feel lot better...
Nobody will know.... i have pushed more than unlimited times of event/gathering/outing because of her..
(To girlfriend)
Nobody will know how important she is to me
(To friends)

Worry that meeting too often will get you bored, too sticky causes you not able to do things, freedom time alone..etc.
Little secret here~
I do have times i feel like i cant breath in the past~
I do getting little flare up when there is too many request from you at times~
I do worry in super long term, how well you or my family can compromise one another~
I do WORRY IF YOU SAW THIS ... what happen~

No matter what... there is still a conclusion of all~

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Last week before POP

It is just one last week to POP!
Cant wait for this day ever since the day I entered into tekong~
Dream about a trip to somewhere far but don't know where it is, seating on the bus with my gf & my dad...
I helped my gf to put on the blanket..... a blanket that is inside my SAF sling bag? LOL?
And if i not wrong it look like the blanket i used to sleep in tekong as well~ hahaha
I realise i am easily getting mad over her now, I started tracking those guys that is talking to her in twitter.
Reading their every single conversation.. I guess it must because most of the time actually i cannot accept it to see her communicating or hanging out with other guys,but i still endure & let her go... believing that too much restriction , the relationship will not last longer....
But think again... how long can I endure the pain inside me?
By doing this, is it possible to say that I am just making myself gone bonkers one day?
She must be so so important that even my dream i could dream about her so many times in BMT..
Never forget one Thursday night... recalled that my gf mentioning about a guy that have been keep asking her out for a meal.After looking at his face in facebook, the reply to my gf in twitter... got me super angry, I was on my tekong bed , getting ready to sleep...
It must be because I am just afraid to loss her....
Trust is earned more than just words coming out of the mouth.

Booked out on Friday afternoon... It was considered one of the earliest book out...
Saw my Telecommunication lecturer, Ms Adeline on the way to take my bus, she just finished her master degree oversea,she saying something that is quite truth is that Singtel Engineer have become customer service already....focus will be very different in future.. Made me feel like giving up being a engineering in Singtel after university education.

Planned to send gf to her area... chit chat walk around to accompany her till the time she met her old friends at kovan for dinner. Then going to Malaysia on the next day to visit my ah ma at hospital & a unique restaurant that used the toilet as a concept for their shop at a shopping mall..
Suddenly while on the bus to my gf area, got a news from my younger sister telling me to visit ah ma now, she is in a very serious condition...
got stoned , don't know what to do.. want to send gf home/go see my grandma myself...
Meanwhile my gf said this... We will go back take passport & we will go visit her together..
She will postpone to meet up with her old friends at kovan.
Feel so glad that my gf is not someone who will make unreasonable things,being so understanding...
So we go to each other house to take our passport & rush to the hospital.
Every mother side relatives were there, got a news of ah ma having a lump 3.5 x 4 x 4 cm at the big blood vessel near the heart..possibility of getting a cancer & got diabetes...
So we stay at msia to take turn see ah ma & take care of her in hospital.

Days in Gelang patach, realise that "san kim" are a very nice person,her personal background already have finance problem le yet still got help one another

Report of Ah Ma condition

Look at the * , means the number have exceeded & refer to the photo below to gauge the cancer but it will only be assumption, it is not a confirm answer.  

 Because of Ah Gong, his friends & brothers came to pay a respect to Ah Ma

We pray & read the whole books~ few times 


After taking care of her so much, hiring personal nurse to take care her while we sleep...everyone take turn to rub the fingers and toes which are in purple color, believing that miracle to happen & she will back to normal... but sadness no.... she stop breathing at Tuesday 3.40am...

Gf's parents purposely took off to attend my ah ma funeral, feel really appreciated for that & it was first time her parents met my parents... thanks to my mum who always got so much story to share with anyone. Reading my gf blog, with the photo of ah ma sending me in during enlistment, make me tears & feel sad that she cannot turn up for my POP..

My ah ma make the effort together with my family to send me in to tekong... & I planning to bring her to my graduation parade following Saturday to see me POP one but.... she passed away...
if only she still can move & stay with us few more weeks....
I was off all the way until Friday morning 7.30am ferry to tekong for the 24km plus to marina platform.
I was grateful that my OC allow me to off so many days for my ah ma funeral
" Ah Ma , An Xin bah"
Wo Men da le bu yong wei wo men zai dan xin le :)

Never forget the smiles on her face the one last time in the hospital & when she is send back home...
Never forget she love to cook bean curd skin, red wine chicken for us..... happy go lucky de Ah Ma
All these will be the memories you leave for us!
We love you~
Thank you Ah Ma
Ah Ma ~ R.I.P 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Get to book out early :D

Got a pay back to book out one day earlier than the rest!! :D
Counting down from months to weeks,  I guess i definitely going to miss all the things happened in PTP/BMT.

Planned so long & decided to sign on this week!
But name was not called the day before the signing & there wasn't any form of contract for me at all, reason is because I am not applicable to sign on due to my citizenship, a permanent resident.
Wasted all my time planned so hard for the past few weeks...
But never mind, there must be a reason why this route is meant for me. I believe there is an even better job opportunities other than SAF~

Got appointed as company IC, never once were there anyone who got this appointment before,got me feel shocked & I really don't know what i need to really do in this position.
But as i always said to my friends that I will always do my very best for every things that i am going to do,so I will do my best as I can to be the IC until they change a new IC.

That's all in army for the week :)
Now,move to the next one ~
My lovely girl ..........
Who is always there for me....
Days by days in Tekong, I always .....
never forget the moment when she tell me this,"I know that every guy want their girlfriend to be skinny & sexy, but I tried my best.The best & the only achievement I can do now is that I manage to get the line in between the stomach.I hate my lower body, I couldn't burn away all the fats at my lower body",with tears in her eyes & she carried on,"I,myself feel disgusted by the fats ,myself when I look into the mirror".

Just want to tell her this.... hey girl, don't give up! "JIAYOU!"...

I Love You <3

(Weeks whereby my friend child is going to be 1 years old)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Last 4th week in BMT

It was on Monday straight after field camp 4 days off~
I manage to get Gold once again & I am satisfied about myself, cleared my all SOC stations for the test as well.FELT LIKE AN ACHIEVEMENT WEEK!!!
Next week will be the final week to do my final decision if I am going to sign on~ (Navy Engineer), I want to be an engineer but I do not know how passionate will it be & how long will it last~
Outside engineering job will be lesser salary no matter what
Higher chance for promotion as to allow new regular to get promoted as well
Sponsor Degree
Cover all spending
All will be guys in engineering field, so no different in navy or private sector

~P/s: Since I do not know what i am going to do in future, then just sign to get in & if only I am not chosen to be in OCS, i will give up signing on.


Thursday night, got a weird dream of my girlfriend smoking(something like see-sha) at some weird area where all the people smoked as well, is not just a normal cigarette but was something more higher level type of cigarette.I was feeling sad, disappointed & I got very pissed off but I did not scold or vent my anger out, instead i am claiming myself down & talk to her nicely~ No sure what i say but was roughly asking her why she smoke & etc......And I got awake from my dream.
When I woke up, I could still feel the pain in my heart, disappointment everywhere inside.
(Couldn't really get what the dream is about)
Predicted I was just missed her until I feel pain inside me ~

A day when i book out~
A day where she was invited & treated to go for the big bang concert & F1.
I am jealous & of course I do, I got angry actually but I am controlling it.
And I got all these things in my mind~
Why do you choose me when there is someone who can give you more happiness than me?
Bring you to eat, places that are new to you, food that you never tried before, be there when you need someone to be, someone who can treat you to event like F1 which ticket costs more than $50 & above?
More happier outing compare to me? More activities compare to me? More wealth than me?
Make you travel so far to look for me instead of me looking for you? A person who is so boring?
But as I said, I couldn't want to totally control over you then you will have no freedom anymore.
Moment that we discuss about $$$, if she was going to pay some or not..... easily go into fight.
Knowing that I am already like shit, with that shitty allowance of 400+?
Said to eat good food once a month, ended up still eating almost every week...
I am fine if I got money to pay,confirm I will be the gentleman to pay for you which what I always do..
She said that if I have $$$ issues one day just tell her, she will help to pay some... but when I mention about allowing her to pay some of the bill, she say that actually by right guy should pay for the entire bill because that's the way of a gentleman....then lastly she say, anyway don't talk about it, no matter how much she is going to pay for the meal,main thing is we two must be happy together to eat & she end the whole topic just like that.
Next, she always tell me not to put money priority so high in my list. But yet with a conclusion of the bill of the meal like this, a yes/no/maybe but not a confirm answer from her?Make me feel like she might be alright but actually she do mind that she need to pay for the meals? So what should i do?
When talking about if I should sign on or not, she say she will support me.... make me felt that if I really signed on, she will be happy because I got more income.
I couldn't know if all these thought was just a moment of anger or what but I have never tell anyone & I really do not know who to tell.... days in army make me learn to keep things to myself because it is more secured than telling anyone else & i guess is because if someone you loved you couldn't trust then there is no one else you can trust anymore.
To be frank, this generation without sufficient money is very hard to get a better life.

I don't know & i guess i really don't know.....I can hold this for how long~
I do I try, my very best to endure to accept to learn whatever it take to become.
Human got this special ability is that we adapt to changes very fast.

I really hope you can become a girl that is so lean,sexy and pretty like a model one day.
All the best~
(Wonder if one couple of our batch & senior breakup was it because of your existence~)

Lastly, I am really a lucky idiot who got the whole family members who are so pamper me.
(Younger sister mention about changing the light in my room because it is old & noisy,her bf do it for me)
Appreciate you all~

3 book in & we will be through! POP!
Time to sleep NIGHTS~

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Field Camp in BMT~

During the days in my field camp, rain & storms keep coming.
How we wish it was the days when it was not outfield so we can skip the activity but sadly, it only happen during our out field.
A place where the it turns completely darkness after 7pm & only able to get some sunlight after 7am.

We were given ration food & biscuit to survive in the days outfield.It was lucky that my first pack was the nicest food , if i not wrong it was something like Lor ma kai, then followed by all those ration pack that is like shit.I ended up just eating biscuit for all my meals.(Miss the food in Cook house)

We will need to build our bersha tent with 3 bersha pole combined together each side (front & rear), 6 pins to hold one ground sheet in the air for shelter, another ground sheet on the ground as to land our items & sleep on.After setting up the tent, we will need to dig holes at the parameter of the tent, it is used to act as a drainage for the rain not to go into our ground sheet & was advised to put SAF powder all around the tent before we sleep, to keep insects to come inside the tent.
It was amazing while i was putting the powder all around me, i saw an ant U-turn back when it saw the powder.So this  prove that the powder really can keep the insects away while we are sleeping.

Regret not digging the hole well enough and it got my whole bersha tent flooded while the it rains, my buddy & me was not able to sleep in the tent, only keep not to keep ourself wet is to rest our butt on our helmet, preventing our underwear to be wet as well.
Day1 - rain in the afternoon
Day2 - rain in the early morning 3am
Day3 - Strongest rain from 12am - 4am plus
Day 3 was the day where we dig our shell scrip, we need to sleep inside it.But i was not able to sleep inside because I did not manage to dig it well enough to hide myself inside.Then because we are divided into different areas, we request to sleep altogether outside the "hole", it was nice that during field camp, the person which i dislike the most because of him being too straight forward that his words will hurt people sometimes when he speak, he become someone who i can talk to, play with.
At first he said that his parents were strict, so I predicted that his character can't go far because he is not allow to hang out with his friends much, he have to be at home before 7pm? WTF?
But my predicted was wrong, he is a tough & smart guy.
Felt sad for those type of people, he got the potential to go to command school but because of his girlfriend, he did not want to commit that much.Felt that a lot of people who are really a leaders, got potential to do things were not able to do so because of something that pull them back from doing it.
How i wish i was born to be one of the leaders as well. We chit chatted awhile & we rest during the night before the biggest rain ever comes.We stopped our conversation & rest at 10pm plus.
Then around 12am plus while sleeping, suddenly felt something drop onto me!
It was a rain & when i opened my eyes it is already very heavily ~
We woke up & we faster pack our stuff back to our bersha tent. We shiver like hell, our whole body was wet, carry our field bag, ILBV, riffle , guards ~ run back to our bersha tent that was so far away like 200m away.
It was the night when i starts to miss my home, where a place we did not worry much about rain no matter how heavy the rain is, we do not worry about our drain or our land because it is all built so nicely that we will be hardly be flooded in our house.Suddenly I think of what my mum told me, " One does not need to be rich, does not need to have anythings, what a person must have, is a HOME, a place that can provide you with shelter.", then I started to know how impact is this line matters to me now~
I though of going through all these shit together with my girlfriend, i feel that what i have go through was a very good experience for me, i miss her, i miss my families, i miss my home.
How i wish she was there for me when the heavy rain comes, i though of her ~
I dreamed about her being by my side when i was sleeping during day 1~
I couldn't know whats in my mind but i guess this is enough to prove myself that i really miss her~
After 3 days at the field camp site, we match with our feet so wet that it hurt while we walk all the way to our situation test site to carry on our 2 sit test the next two days.It rained again.....
But luckily the land my buddy & I having now, doesn't flood.
Saw fireflies while it rains, it is so beautiful...
Never ever though that i could see it anymore after leaving the house at Malaysia, I remember i saw it once at my Malaysia house when I off the light & it flying in the room while i was lying down getting ready to sleep, my sisters & I was admiring the firefly flying around our ceiling ( So young that i forget how old already) .

Days in the jungle, we are only allowed to bath with powder & this things called "pre-soap sponge", never will i use it if I never went to BMT, it is a sponge that already contain soap inside, what you need to do is that you just need to apply water into the sponge & you can use it to rub all over your body like you are bathing with a soap.Re-apply water, use it until there is totally no soap anymore in the sponge & you doesn't need to wash away those foam, leave it there & let it dry automatically & you will feel fresh again.
Powder bath was keep spamming the SAF powder onto your whole body to make your body more fresh too. I apply both of this method to survive throughout the whole nights in the jungle.

Almost forget, there will also have this moment whereby your commanders will come, say somethings make you reflect & think what you are doing in army.Making the atmosphere very emotional, then they give you back the letters that your parent wrote for you, people who are there to support you, people who always concern about you, people who are just there for you no matter what, opening up all the letter with those small little supportive words that they wrote for you.... it is really motivating to keep you going , you will feel touched & tears for their present with you all the way since young till now....
It was first time my mum wrote a letter for me... i really felt touched by the words she wrote inside to support to me, saying that I am a good son & etc....
I really appreciated her, grateful to have a mum like her who is always there for me regardless of sad,happy & what so ever..... =,)
(Tears drop again while typing this paragraph)

I like the outfield & I really thanks for the rain that created such wonderful moments in my life..... make me understand how much i must really appreciate all the things that I have now...
It was really a good experience for me which will never wanted to do it again next time...
I guess i might have a serious eyes injured by now if i never wore a glasses, my glasses helped me to block some shits that flew into my eyes while my buddy was firing..(Guess it was the mud that struck inside the blink attachment, then when it fire , the air pressure make the mud fly out the blink attachment, then to my eyes)
Now it got a small cracked at the right side~ but i thankful for the crack rather than the injured on my eyes.

Lastly, it was my 6th month anniversary with my girlfriend & it was first time that she sent the congratulation to me first before me~
Happy 6th month my girl ~
Thank you for your present in my life ~ :)
I Love You ~ <3

Friday, August 30, 2013

Greatest achievement in BMT

(Originally: 6.40 pm plus Ferry) ( Incentive for IPPT Gold: 1.30 pm Ferry)
Finally I manage to get a gold once in my life ~
Always though that I will not able to get it & people who can ran with this timing is lunatic, but now, me myself , I am one too~
I am so happy that i am the first person to score Gold in IPPT in my platoon 1 which is like out of 57 people.
People start to respect me even more :)
Also, My IPPT Test was my girl last exam paper for her entire poly life ~ haha :)

Soon it will be my outfield already, it was on next week, from Thursday to Wednesday then to a early book out from Thursday all the way to Sunday.
Days in BMT getting faster & faster and i think that when the day I am graduated(POP), I will never forget these 17 weeks in Pulau Tekong.

P/S: Never limit your ability, everyone can do it.
It is just how hard the person wan to limit themselves to become.

Booked in on Sunday, my ngage phone suddenly was not able to send text message to anyone.
Instead of feeling sad, it was the opposite because I was able to talk on phone with my girl.
We don't use to talk much on phone but we rather just text & text & text.And because of us talking on phone more recently, I felt that we are not longer so strangers anymore. I felt like i have actually plenty of many many many things to tell her, one topic will link to another and so it goes on. :D
Good week inside Tekong (Week 11)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

My Role as a boyfriend~

I am jealous, I am angry & I think one day I will just explode all this feelings out~
I am jealous of my girl being so close to my friend, time spent more than me, talk more than me.
Whenever talk about him, her expression change, suddenly so enthusiastic to carry on talking, always replied things so fast & confident like she know him so well, understand him so much better than me.
I just wonder if there is people asking about me, did she do that too?

I just felt like she is more happy with him than with me, they do more things compared to me & my girl.
Just met up with my friend, he mention about going F1 with my gf.
I was hot immediately, but i control , i calm myself down while still talking to him.
Try to recall if she have told me she went to F1 with him...... but i guess she have told me before long time ago.So after that, I calm myself down & let all the anger slowly gone~

This is the feeling I feel now but there is one thing over here, that is I do not want to lock her freedom so tight than she cant breath..... I do not want to control her life..
So instead of telling her... i keep this secret & force myself to suck it all up, one more reason is that the guy is really a good one that I used to trust....
But now it just always make me feel suspicious, & a but i believe my gf and my friend can be trust.

It just don't know why, I don't feel the trust in between this r/s ....instead, I am like cheating myself and forcing myself to trust this r/s, believe in her.

Felt bad that she want to accompany me on yesterday and i rejected her & said things that make her replied me saying that she is making unreasonable reason....Sry
Replying those answer just wanted to end the conversation with me ....& etc...
But the real reason is i don't mean any other things & I really want her to study~
Plus we really need to take a break between us due to the stupidity of me mentioning about the signing on thingy to her. Some more I was not explained clearly that have cause her to mislead what I am thinking about...

There is times whereby I care about her, told her....
She felt irritated, she felt frustrated
Always showing that the method she do is correct, she is right
Then answering me that she is stubborn one....etc...
The thing is i really care for you, but you don't bother ,you give me attitude instead~
I hope .....I really hope that she can change this attitude.
Nobody is born to be stubborn in this world but instead everyone are born & to choose if they want to be stubborn or not~
I believe taking people negative comment about yourself don't feel good because me,myself I don't like to hear that too. I felt super offended when people say their comment about me.....
what i can say is.... who like to be judge?

So is your choice to choose to accept & change
To angry with the person and ignore what the person said......

Have you though about this?
Why do people even bother to comment about you,telling you all these?

But after trying & trying, I have chose to be someone like this.....
It will be easier if you were to learn to accept what the person is than to comment,enforcing the person to change to the attitude that you want.Instead of pushing the blame to others, why not you blame yourself & take the initiative to change?

Ever since I got my girlfriend till now I have learnt to not putting blame onto anyone else,instead I should force myself to accept all the negative things about the person & just get over it.
I will try to say for the first few times, i will really try, but once the number of times I have said, make the person irritated & got me, myself tired, unhappiness between the person & me, I will just keep quiet , never mention about it again, suck them all up myself.
Why do I even need to bother if the person don't even care about themselves & treat what I said like as if I just want to find trouble with them?

Guess the reason my girlfriend & I got so sad,disappointment this week is because i suck it all up too much from the start till now.
Hope that the following day will be better each day~ 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Live firing + Army talk + Emotional !!!~

This week was a tiring week whole day continuously 2 days firing from 7am-10pm and a cleaning riffle from 9am-8pm..
Live firing was interesting and fun but the waiting time was like "WTF?" , Lucky there was a "ninja van"? they named it to sell us tidbits,drinks & etc.... And i 2 days chiong-ing the roller coaster that look like a ring shape tidbits.... Felt like it have affect my 2.4km performance..Sigh~

Army talk was held on this week, Navy & Air force....
$$$ was so exciting and attractive, the bonus that we are going to get if signing on, the rank that will be promoted every year no matter what in order to let the others to get promoted too so you must be promoted .... the system is like good because every increment of rank, your salary also increment.

Was thinking of signing on so that NS can give me scholarship to study Uni, stable life, high income.A super stable job, they will always offer more than what it is in the market price for a degree or diploma holder.
Having said about all this, duno is because of this that got me act so diff now .....
because of the topic of signing on it causes the misunderstanding, a sudden bad headache to her.

To be frank, the feeling now i felt is like i am having a null bullet that is a empty bullet shell that is no bullet to be use to shoot.
I suddenly have the tot of getting a even better gf? More Sexy & pretty? Or maybe to get some "Service"?
Duno why? Maybe is because i have the tot of signing on?
Then with the amount of money i can do all these type of shit?
But why? Why did i even have the tot like this? Is there a reason behind all these?
I guess i always wanted a sexy & pretty girlfriend or maybe wife like those car model our there?

Before all these, she hugged me and she cried, saying she maybe causes by the upcoming exam stress, but why? Real reason behind it, is it actually the missing thing she mention in our r/s?
She fear of me going ocs, because of the missing thing tat is not inside our r/s & she worried that she cannot take it, the 9 month training for me , not able to really talk to me , accompany.
She gave me a feel that although we are close but we are actually very far apart, we dont know what the hell each other is thinking about.....

She mention about taking a break in our r/s, at first i tot was a break up but luckily it was not. But from what i see, my friends who have mention about taking a break in the r/s usually dont end up well, plus i already felt that this r/s is not gg well just that i nvr voice out so i might worry that it will not have a good outcome....

Is it normal to be like this?
Is it normal that every time i talk to her, she give me those replies those reaction that was so boring, express a 0% interest in what i am talking about?
Wanted to hug her when i see her, she just walk pass me...
Wanted to hug her before she board the train, she just walk away...
I tot she would have know hugging at the start and at the end is the regular thing to be done?

Maybe this is r/s? ......

Friday, August 16, 2013

BMT Week 1

BMT have started finally... and i manage to volunteer to be the platoon In-Charge .... :D
First day was half-fk as usual, i guess this is my character...... then no matter what instruction i gave to my platoon, no one will listen. It is all about how you present your instruction to the people "under" you, if you speak with confident... people will feel like listening to you..

As days go on, i felt that being an IC in the platoon getting more and more interesting and enjoying because you are commanding 50 plus people to follow your instructions. My section mate who i always feel like they like unhappy with whatever i do, actually i am wrong, they are the people who are really there to help me by keep giving me feedback .... with them i am able to improve & learn to be an IC. It feel so great when people compliment you that you are doing a good job being a platoon IC :D

Overall,Platoon IC was a fun and interesting role & i felt that i have learn smth new on the first week of BMT.

Moving on....
I felt that I am easily getting jealous of who my girl get close to, i just never wanted to tell her,dont want her to be so restricted to whatever things she do, learning to accept,adapt to this.
Day before bookout, I felt tat i have hurt her by not believing what she said to me(doing things that she dont usually do),feeling that the real reason for this is it because of meeting this particular person?
Question over here, is it normal to feel this way?(Jealous?Or insecure?)
How am I suppose to trust it when you are suspecting smth not right in this?
If she ask me,"so you dont trust me?", how will i answer her?
Answer her ,"I believe", but...... (still with a lot curiousness in mind?)
But problem here is i really dont believe so why must i have to bluff myself to tell her that I "believe"?
Instead of asking, why not use action to prove me that i can believe it?

This is what i feel on that day when i received the text.....
But next day i feel better & i dont feel so paranoid, pessimistic anymore so I guess I am just tired the day before......
Just hope that in future my girl dont get pissed off with me all this shit~

P/S- Days will get better,Life will get happier :D

Monday, August 12, 2013

Happy 5th Month Anniversary

Days together is fast.... and there we are, it is our 5th month anniversary
Recalling what are the things i have gave her since we are together.......

11/3/2013 .... Days we get together, holding hand, sending her home

13/3/2013 .... It was her B'day, she got a small celebration at Haji Lane.I bought a flower, asked help from Daniel to send me to the place, wanted to surprise her 12am sharp at the restaurant that she is celebrating, asking the waiter to bring the flower to her & at the same time make her feel good in front of her friends, but PLAN FAILED! hahaha~ So I bought that flower and wait down her house surprised her and gave her my first kiss :)

1st~ 11/4/2013 .... One day before I delivered breakfast for her at 7.30am to surprise her before i went to work
(Busiest day for both of us)

2nd~ 11/5/2013 .... Together going a short trip to Batam and bought a couple T top

3rd~ 11/6/2013 .... Bought her a couple watch that i bought in KL

4th~ 11/7/2013 .... Bought her a packet of sweets and write her a letter, secretly left on her house table

5th~ 11/8/2013 .... Trips to Batu Pahat, bought her 5 piece of small cake, left it on the study table covered with newspaper cheering her up for the upcoming exam
(This time round she wrote me back a letter) :D

Present and Surprise become lesser & lesser...... Gifts become smaller & smaller & I just hope is not because of the price of the gift matter and is the heart of all those small little gift and things that is expressed on every letter i wrote to her.....

Letter was nothing valuable to you now, but after 20~30years later, u took it out and you recall.... you will realise how precious is all this letter to you :)
Feel it when my Mom suddenly show me all the letter she kept which my both sisters and I wrote to her during her b'day, father b'day,Mother's day & Father's day when we are very young

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Long weekend ~

It was Hari Raya and National day~
Booking out at 12pm on wednesday until monday 8pm ~
HAHA~ Long holidays during army~

What a good news i got when i back home & my mum strike first prize of my bike number at night.
So she pay for all my spending for the Batu Pahat trip ~
Day 1 ~ whole family went to pray and have seafood near the temple
Day 2 ~ Having indian food in the morning and went to UK Goat farm
Keep eating and eating ! HAHAH!!!

Most importantly ..... Something happen on the trip.....
I did something stupid, hurt my girlfriend....
It was on the bus while we all waiting to reach the customs, my gf ask me to accompany her because she is Singapore Passport and will need to form up different row, take longer time to go through the passport counter....But when we reached the customs i saw this empty row counter with the light off and there was no Queue so i went to try if there row is able to go through, then i manage to go through......but.... i forgotten my girlfriend who has left alone behind .....that moment when i look back at her, alone Queuing out there i realise, i break her promise, i leave her alone......  even after she keep saying please while we are on the bus....the excitement displayed on her , her smile, the moment of happiness and joy.... all gone ~ it have all left with a very disappointed and sad expression on her face.....
Seating on the bus to Gelang Patah her face display anger,sadness,disappointment & i did try to say sorry even though i know sorry does not cure...
I never forget she told me this...... " U TRY LOR" ( Leaving her behind alone the long Queue at the custom )
She was very angry..... she..... tears......  :(

Looking at her at the moment i feel so hurt i blame myself why did my memory so bad, why do my reaction so slow? WHY??!!
Just feel disappointed in myself~
Telling myself not to make this kind of mistake again~

Friday, August 2, 2013

Perfection is imperfection!

Scorpio ~ a emotional horoscope, maybe horoscope is true.... I was a emotional person ever since secondary school when the puberty stage start......

What to do? Tweet about it?Nope...Can't... i have a girlfriend now, i cannot be so emotional in social media anymore..... If i tweet, all the friends around her will feel like her boyfriend is a emotional freak & might affect her reputation. So..... what's best? haha...Write it down on the blog where nobody know & express everything out :D

(If there is people like me too ~ Cheer Up! :D Don't let the things make you so moody, slowly accept, it learn it and get over it.... lastly just remember this every time when you are down before you sleep..... Tomorrow will be a better day :)) ~ CHEERS) :D

Every time i think that i am perfect .... but the truth is NOT~
Getting into SEG Club make me know myself better....
Getting into a relationship make me know myself even better....
Always thought that i am a person who will be very considerate,caring , generous, happy-go-lucky, discipline , friendly, gentle, calm person.....
Actually... ALL IS CRAP~ Just realized i am more like a person who acting to be one TODAY!
I am a person who is not really friendly, but i am trying to be one.
Person who is caring, considerate?
I guess all is just fake, i am a super selfish guy which i think about myself first more than others...
Generous? NAH~I just want to use that to gain a new or a better friendship ~
Happy-go-lucky?Maybe.... It is just an act in front of everyone,because i know first impression is important so i will act to be good at first? ~.~
Discipline? Alright it just fail badly......examples: food diet, Self physical training ,etc...
One who always trying to act gentle but actually NOT AT ALL~
Lastly..... a very calm person... which is totally NOT~ i easily get angry, hot tempered when something happened... 

I am so selfish that i only care about myself so much that i neglected my girlfriend feelings for my act.... making her feel bad in front of my groups of friends..... making fun of her in front of my groups of friends...etc
I am very grateful ~ for what I have now...
For who I have you as my girlfriend...
Who treat me so nice, so concern about me, so generous towards me, always trying to understand me, always curious about me, always wanted..... to be with me... & someone who i can really feel the love from :D
Thanks baby~

Whether or not that you will find out this one day, i just want to say this.....
I told you that I am going to be a good boyfriend, I will make it happen one day...
I shouldn't keep having the mindset that you are my first relationship therefore i can make so so so much mistake.....
Baby give me more time ~
Baby don't leave me ~
I need you by my side ~ 
I will keep learning ...keep improving .....keep changing until the stage whereby i am satisfied with myself :)


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Fall into Love :D

Never forget the days when i got my first girlfriend!!    :)
~ She is ~

Someone who is my SEG Club Junior & she got my attention so much during one of my CCA event, National Day Celebration (NDC). She was in charge of a small game station at block S level 4, can't really remember what's the game like BUT.... i will never forget the 
Rose Earring she wore on that day & it was that day which we started to talk ~ >.<
She is attractive to me, having tent skin color and with a cheerful character somehow make me keep wanted to approach her and talk to her ..... haha
Then slowly as days passes by ~ i started to follow her on twitter
Then slowly slowly, when i realise the twitter reply me just too fast and slowly lots of people started to talk about our conversation in twitter, i asked her number in twitter private message and we slowly slowly text one another ....
As day passes one by one, we started to have long text ! As in REALLY LONG text that could keep u read and reply back in like 7-10 min times? I enjoy text-ing her and just have unlimited topic to talk to her, there wasn't a girl that i text after months still can text so well one~ haha 

Then slowly slowly again, i jio-ed her & some other people together to jog around the school.... and we jogged in groups for few times...
As time goes on, all the people started to fall out only left she & me running .......
After all these and that happen in between us, i slowly slowly start to keep imagining if she was my girlfriend, and so and so ..... keep thinking about her most of the time ... thinking that should i just go after her? haha

It got me quite some times and i decided not to do go after her due to the experiences in my past, plus she is so attractive, kind-hearted, sporty, cheerful, so confirm there is a lot of chasers i will have to challenge with,so i just treat her like a normal friend , never ask for more... never have the thinking of asking her out for dinner or movie because she really that good that i feel i don't deserve to get her, she wont even will accept to go out with me. In addition, out of so many chasers i have no confident i can beat them all... so i just decided not to do so much and remain our friendship like normal.
As days got more busier when my Final Year Project (FYP) start & a trip to Suzhou & one of my brother used to keep text her, i started to text her lesser .....lesser....... slowly i forget to reply her..... & we stopped text-ing for a period of time ..... about a month plus? ....

.....Then there was this one fine day, i realise i have neglected this friend of mine who used to text who used to jog and who used to talk a lot a lot of things with.... someone who is very nice ~ i start to text her again  :)
But this time round the feeling is so different compare to the past, no longer have that much excitement anymore.... slowly slowly & we stopped text-ing again   :(
So then on valentine's day, i posted something like "Wish all the singles out there, Happy Valentine's Day~ And wish all the singles celebrating alone for the one last time, next year onward you will be attach!"
I don't know is it because of this which somehow got motivated some miracle to happen..... haha she show interest to me, dropping hint and a lot a lot of hint somehow telling me that i am booked for the next valentine's day by her.... i though she was trying to comfort me, joking around with me... i never believe that.... it take me super super super long to accept that..
1- I have met such situation before
2- We like to joke around and I hardly show my seriousness to her at all 
3- She is very attractive and she look quite pretty & cute, some more her character is SUPER AWESOMESUPER LOVE-ABLE those type therefore i feel there will confirm have a lot people love her, do a lot of things to her so i will never so lucky to be the one chosen by her
4- I don't really look very handsome & i don't really look sexy & that attractive I think
5- I quite emotional & no much self-confident in term of boy girl relationship
6- I have a playboy face that display a feel that i have a lot of EX-girlfriends
7- I used to text a lot of female & maybe i got flirt with them in those messages
8- She give me a feeling that she is so good that i don't believe I got her heart while so many chasers still out there fighting for her heart
9- I never really go jio her like what i did to the past few girl i liked before

Until really quite sometimes i decided to ask her out and see if things turn out to be good..... confess to her after few dates ......So....

It was on 13 March 2013, after work on my first day of work in Massimo Dutti as a retailer assistance while waiting for NS enlistment on 12 June 2013.
I asked her out for a dinner as we have long time not met one another even as a group....
We went to Chomp Chomp to have our late dinner..... chit chating ....
we were just automatically so close that i have never eat my food with my arm so close to the other person who sit beside me, our arm were like stick together ~ she almost laugh at whatever i said to her, really showing interest of me which really make me feel good because i actually love her long ago.... i am just suspecting if my love is real or a crush so i never really do a lot of things to her....
Since it was a late dinner, she will be back home very late, so i decided to offer to send her home by taking the bus to her area....
Then we manage to find two empty seat side by side.... we sat down.... we chatted for awhile.... & i can see that she is very tired.... jogging everyday in the early morning plus night ... sacrifice and accompany me for dinner.... so i was kidding with her saying something that... " If you are tired, I lend you my shoulder!" :D
And.............................. She Straight Away, Never even Hesitate ...... SHE Lay her whole head down on my SHOULDER!!!! .... OMG that's make me go crazy, my heart PUMPING like going to fly out of my Mouth... MY WHOLE BODY WAS LIKE SHIVERING.....STUNNED for like almost 5~7 Stops totally don't know how to do !! What to react!! Breathing out loud! Controlling my heart Beat!
Until awhile later... when i started to cool down a bit, i realise .... i confirmed i have fall for her, no one else can make my heart beat Beat that Fast AT ALL... and not every time have this type of chance, SO... i forget about the idea of  -after few more dates then confess to her-
I USED THIS CHANCE.... Putting my ring that i used to wear everyday & put into her finger..... asking her,"Since we are already in this stage, .... were you willing to be my girlfriend?"
Then we got together......I never forget the moment she accepted me was around 11pm plus & the bus was like driving on a "S" road I was so happy that i don't know how to express...

Then tat's when my love life begins...... :)))))))