Thursday, April 3, 2014

Since the day I touched down into SG

After several self-reflection over the day since I am back to Singapore....
There is these few changes in me that I am dare to admit & I have no idea why it only changed when I am back home.

I started to hate social media, guess it was because I wasn't able to use it for the past 20 over day in Brunei.
I have no idea why my self-confident level actually boosted so far way up in the sky now but when I go back to camp, it become the another way round.... (?)

I couldn't want to do anything except playing my game named SimCity, this game just appeared in my mind so I decided to search for the latest version. Then I manage to find it, but now this is the problem....
I get addicted, engross in playing this game. It is like a drug, I have no idea why but it really got me spending all day playing & figuring how to build, sustaining a city.
A game that is so real that could easily understand how government work in all cities, why they is a need for education, hospital, police station, fire station, casino. How much can expo or stadium contribute to the country revenue. Taxes for residents housing, commercial building, factory.
How you even raise your land value.

To people it might really seems to be like a ordinary game but to me, I learn something that can be bought over to our real world & that's value. Land have land value, we human being have our value too.
What value? That's the value of a person, everyone have different value. For land value,the following factors determine the land value;Accessibility to a school, a shopping mall, an bus Interchange or MRT station & understand why usually there is a park, swimming pool, gym or any other facility were build for, these some of the factors that could raise the land value as well.

Now for us human being, there are plenty of factors that could change your value in the street.
First ,we are divided into male & female.
Our value changes almost everyday & it raised automatically when someone appeared to affect your existing status.
Let's just go into r/s, your value actually raised when you communicate more to opposite sex of friends ,
then how much & how long you two have been communicated for. Once the opposite party show interest or express interest in you, (if you don't know) your value actually raise, it is like ....
Now in the street, there is one more person who want you to be their partner....
So if you repeatedly, then it will keep raising , & your demand is more in the society..
It is like a demand & supply, the supply is only one which is describe you so if were to use a mathematics way to describe the supply in this case is that , supply is a fixed variable , it cannot be changed because no one in this world is the same like you.  
Then followed by the demand which is a variable that is occasionally raising or lowing this is depends on the following;

1. How well are you connected to the social media
2. How many type of friends you are communicating ( The opposite sex gender)
3. Your actions towards others ( Concern..etc)
4. When the 3rd party complimented that girl/guy to you
5. When you know that there is someone or rather more than just one person is targeting him/her

As your value raised, your boyfriend/girlfriend feel in-secured...
And we human being are gifted with this "talented" mind that is only when you lost something or you are about to lose something, the value of the particular thing raised & as the value of it raised = demand raised.
Then we human being will do something to gain it back .....
I guess this is what the word ," take things for granted" come about in the dictionary.

- I read the journal you wrote for me
I am touched by the words & the things you do for me
My tears rolled down my cheeks once again
I wanted to say
Be yourself & nothing will go wrong

I could explain now why I am acting or maybe behaving more confident in front of you nowadays,
the reason is this.....
I am sick about me, myself being someone who always live without any confident at all in army life
Actually army life make me not able to be what I am originally was,
Someone who can joke around with anyone
Someone who enjoy making new friends 24/7
Someone who can even speak confident to another person

I didn't tell you this before, because I realize I have been telling you too much too much negative things about myself to you.....
(In this case, I am lowing my own value towards you)
It will be nice or good to hear when someone tell you his/her problems, but everything need to be balance
So if the problems overflow, it turn out to be another thing which is called irritating,annoying & a burden.
Maybe is really because of that, I became like this now
I am way more confident now because I am definitely thousands times more optimistic than before

Reasons..... of what you are now
I didn't blame anyone
What I could say is... You & I
We are the same
Why you got so into me now is because of the factor number 4 that is happening to you
( Because of the flower at your party )
This is a way of explanation I could thought of to explain that is,
This lead to a value raise in a person & our human mind is a "dick", it just function such a way that will then think natural that other people might wanted someone like that as well
So then you started to doubt yourself & you are afraid to lose this person which is me
So my solution to this is, don't get affected so much by the others because the fact is that we, both of our value is the same
But if you are acting accordingly to what your mind tell you is, then in this case you yourself will be lowering your own value & that's when the "dicky" mind which is duno why is just made such a way that
will transfer you to a place called - paranoid, self-demolish & it keep lowing your self-esteem then to a person that is pessimistic
(Basically a state whereby you are self-destructing yourself)
But don't worry I will be there for you :)

This happened to me as well
It was those day before I went to Brunei
Those days when you keep baking cookies, cake, food for me
You know when I tell my friends, share with them
Everyone praises you, they even cracked a joke out of it by saying
Hey can you introduce your girl to me?
And this things kept going for like sometimes
There you go.....
I become the state you are in now.....
I start to think, appreciate even a lot a lot more of you
When people complimented you, cracking those joke which i can't treat it like a joke
Introduce you to them?
My mind is like, F*** You!
(Your value raised a lot a lot)
I told them a little stuff of you being so hardworking & how good you are to me
That's when I am scared to lose you anytime
(PART 1)
Then it followed by the guy that you know from the work place
The sentence you said," He look exactly like me "
It affected me a lot a lot a lot a lot
(PART 2)
At that moment I can't really do much & I never forget how you started to compare
Saying how sweet he is & etc....
I am worried
Because I prepared my gift for you since months ago before you mentioning the part of sending flower when he is not around or so.... to his girl
Worried that it is only when you said this then I do this or etc....
(Maybe in other word, COPY his method or what)
I just learnt that relationship really not a simple thing to handle in life, but I never give up
I believe that maybe is just being paranoid only so I started to force myself out of that "dick mind" HOLE that is build in such a way that it will react or think in a certain way which actually from a "NO" to a "YES" thingy after something happened
I know that trust wasn't a simple word for me, but I have to really learn to understand it
So I always told myself, TRUST yourself & TRUST your partner
The word TRUST.....
is a very powerful word that take really take long to understand...
I decided to work on it.....

Now I would say, I have pass this "module" already,
If I can do it, you can do it as well
So if you read this,
I would like to tell you this,
Don't worry I will be there for you :)
Girl - Jiayou :))

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